Wellness Matters Webinar - Boundary Setting - How and Where to Draw Your Lines

Feel like you're often taken advantage of or have trouble saying no? Do you find yourself in conflicts with loved ones that never seem to go anywhere good? We're often taught that we're supposed to be kind to others, but we're not always taught when and how to be firm. Setting healthy boundaries can have a significant impact on your well-being and relationship satisfaction and, if you have trouble setting and sticking to them, it might be time to reassess what boundaries mean for you. In this presentation you will learn:

• What are healthy Boundaries and why are they important

• What do the different kinds of boundaries look like in practice

• Implementing and enforcing boundaries in a healthy way

• Dealing with struggles and resistance

Facilitated by Nicholas Renaud

FAQs

• What are healthy boundaries, and why are they important for mental health and relationships?

  Healthy boundaries are the limits you set around your time, energy, emotions, space, and responsibilities so you can protect your well-being and keep relationships respectful. They help you stay connected without feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or taken advantage of. Boundaries also clarify what you are responsible for (your choices, needs, reactions) and what you are not responsible for (other people’s feelings and behaviour), which reduces burnout and improves communication.

• How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty or “selfish”?

  Feeling guilty is common, especially if you were raised to prioritize other people’s needs or avoid conflict. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-care: you’re making sure you have enough time, energy, and emotional capacity to show up well in your life and relationships. A helpful reframe is: you’re not doing boundaries to someone, you’re doing them for yourself. Clear boundaries also reduce misunderstandings and resentment because other people aren’t expected to guess your limits.

• How do I communicate a boundary assertively (and what should I actually say)?

  Start by choosing a calm time (not in the middle of the conflict), and communicate clearly and respectfully. A simple format is: observation + impact + need/request. For example: “When plans are made that affect me and I’m not included, I feel hurt. Going forward, I need to be part of those decisions.” Keep it specific (“I can stay 30 minutes” vs. “Be respectful”), avoid overexplaining, and don’t rely on vague language. If you need time, use “Let me check my calendar” instead of answering on the spot.

• What do I do when someone gets angry, ignores my boundary, or tries to guilt-trip me?

  Pushback often happens when you change the “rules” people are used to. The key is consistency: restate the boundary calmly and correct violations in real time. If needed, set a consequence that protects you (not a punishment), such as ending a conversation when yelling starts or creating distance when someone repeatedly disrespects your limit. With guilt-tripping, don’t get pulled into long justifications—recognize it as an attempt to regain control and respond with clarity: “I hear you’re upset, but this boundary is important to me.” If you feel unsafe or the situation involves abuse, prioritize outside support and safety planning over trying to “communicate better.”

Transcript

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to our webinar this evening, “Boundary Setting: How and Where to Draw Your Lines,” with our presenter, Nicholas Renaud.

I’m going to introduce Nicholas in a moment. First, I just want to let you know about some things that are happening at Rivers Edge Counselling. My name, by the way, is Nicole Imgrund. I’m the owner of Rivers Edge, and we have a lot of other wonderful webinars coming up. I’ll just let you know about a few of them.

We have, next coming up in March, “Chewing the Fat: Compassionately Unpacking Systemic and Cultural Fat Phobia.” We have two in-person ones coming up: one about stepfamilies, and another one on cultural influences on mental health. We also have this spring one about postpartum, and one called “Empowering Parenthood: Navigating the Autism Spectrum with Confidence and Care.” We’re going to end this season of our Wellness Matters webinars with “Standing Up to the OCD Monster.” So, lots of webinars coming up. Please register for as many as you would like.

We also have all of our spring programming about to start up, too, so I will try to go through it really quickly here. I just want to touch on all of the great programs we have. We have a men’s group called The Core that’s going to start shortly, a teen wellness group, and a three-session program called Embodied Stress Management. We have a children’s grief group, as well as an adult grief group. A seven-week program for parents of toddlers called Circle of Security Parenting. We have a two-part workshop called Talking About Puberty for parents of pre-teen girls to help get that conversation started with your girls. We have a program for women called The Compassionate Road to Building Self-Esteem that’s six weeks. We have a two-session program for parents and caregivers called Getting Through the Tough Stuff: A Workshop to Support Children and Teens Through Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and Other Disclosures. And the last one I want to tell you about is a single morning Saturday workshop called Parenting Through Divorce: Helping Kids Thrive.

So, lots of great things coming up. Contact us anytime to ask questions. You are here tonight to learn about boundaries, and Nicholas is going to teach us about that.

Nicholas is a Canadian Certified Counsellor, and he has over 16 years in the mental health and addictions field. We have been so fortunate to have Nicholas with Rivers Edge for the last six years, where he sees adults and teens, couples, and families. Nicholas works to help clients with a wide range of issues and draws from a broad spectrum of therapeutic approaches to address the unique needs of his clients. Nicholas has helped countless clients who have struggled with setting healthy personal and professional boundaries to find their voice and feel more confident expressing their needs in effective ways, and he is sharing some of that expertise with us this evening.

So with that, I’m going to turn it over to you, Nicholas. I think your presentation’s about an hour. You’ve got some time for questions at the end?

Yeah? Okay. You can use the chat or the Q&A if you want. Otherwise, I’ll turn it over to you.

Thank you very much for the introduction, Nicole.

I did call this presentation tonight “Boundary Setting: How and Where to Draw Your Lines.” I kind of wish I had added on a few extra to that: how, where, when, why is an important one. So I’ll be covering a lot of that as well this evening. Thank you for joining us. It’s a privilege to be sharing with you.

I always find the webinar format a little strange. It’s nice to be able to see people’s faces. Unfortunately, with this, all I can really do is see what’s in the chat and what’s in the Q&A function. I encourage you, at any point in time, feel free to use either of those. If you do have questions, throw them in the question and answer section. It makes it a little bit easier for me to keep track of them.

There’ll be a few points in the presentation where I’ll stop and kind of check in, make sure that there aren’t any pressing questions. I’ll have a little bit of time at the end as well to answer anything I didn’t cover in the presentation.

Just to talk a little bit about myself first: boundaries are something that I find that I talk about with my clients really, really regularly, whether it’s setting boundaries with other people—which is what a lot of this presentation is going to be focusing on—but it’s also about setting boundaries with ourselves. At its core, it’s ensuring that we’re putting the time and energy and resources that we have into the things that are the most important to us.

It’s a topic that I definitely enjoy talking about. I think of myself in a lot of ways like a student of boundaries. It’s one of those areas that’s always changing. You’re always trying to improve, always learning.

There’s a lot to cover this evening. I’ll share a lot. Unquestionably, there will be some things that I miss, but my hope is that tonight you have something that you will take away from this that you’ll be able to consider, maybe apply to your life, and hopefully improve boundaries in your relationships.

I will pull up my slide. Just one second. There we go. I think that is working.

If there is something that I hope you walk away from today, it’s how important boundaries are. They’re essential to our health, our happiness, our success. But it is a challenge for a lot of us. We’re not used to standing up for ourselves, asking for what we need. We’re afraid to say no because we don’t want to disappoint or offend people. But we lose track of who we are and what’s important to us because we’re so focused on what other people want or need.

Consequently, we—and oftentimes the people around us—end up frustrated, exhausted, unappreciated, and feeling mistreated. But we can learn to set boundaries with kindness, to assertively ask for what we need, and create more satisfying, respectful relationships.

Before we get going, I’d probably invite you to consider how you think about boundaries: reflecting on times maybe when you’ve had some difficulty with boundaries—knowing what they should be, communicating them to others. Maybe there are even some examples of times when boundaries weren’t respected and maybe yours were trampled on. Maybe you have some questions about boundaries that you’d like answered tonight.

So again, feel free to share in the chat things that come up for you. I’m just wondering, as I am screen sharing, if I can actually see the chat. Yes, I can. Feel free to introduce yourself as well in there. That’ll help me know that the chat is working.

There’s often questions that come up consciously or unconsciously when we consider boundaries—questions like: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? How do I know if mine are appropriate? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer somebody who wants my time, my love, my energy, or my money? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Are boundaries selfish?

These are questions I hope you feel more confident answering at the end of this webinar, but maybe you’ve come up with some specific scenarios. I have a few that might resonate with you.

A volunteer organization you support has put out a call for assistance on your one free work night. The night is free, but it’s a busy week and you’re already feeling a little stretched. What should you do?

Or family is visiting from out of town. You offer to put them up in a hotel, but they are insisting on staying with you. You could move things around, but you’d prefer to have a little bit of peace in the evenings.

Or you’ve gotten through a busy time at work that your boss is continuing to ask you to stay late and work on some special projects. You’re eager to make a good impression, but your partner’s been missing you at home.

I hope to answer questions like these and help you to respond to scenarios like this tonight.

I’m going to be first talking about what healthy, legitimate boundaries that we can feel good about actually look like. We’ll talk about how to set and maintain those boundaries, how to recognize pushback and violations to our boundaries, and how to respond when you see them. I’ll finish off with some obstacles and pitfalls you might run into when you’re setting boundaries with others.

So let’s start off with what boundaries are.

They’re not always something we think very much about. Their presence, though—and sometimes their absence—is always impacting us. They could be strict, they could be grey, they may seem almost non-existent, but regardless of whether they’re recognized or not, they are what set limits: the limits we set with others with regards to our feelings, our needs, and our wants.

In a lot of ways, they define us. They define what’s me; they define what’s not me; where I end; where others begin. They differentiate one person from another. They make it clear that you’re a unique, autonomous person, and importantly, not an extension of someone else.

They can be restrictive. They define what we’re responsible for, but they can be freedom-giving as well because they also define what we’re not responsible for. And when I say responsible, I mean our feelings, our attitudes, our choices, our problems, our behaviours—the things that are ours. We may want to help solve other people’s problems. It’s kind to help, but it’s important that we don’t take responsibility for things we cannot control, like how people feel and what they do.

Now, we love analogies, and lots of analogies are put forward for boundary setting: property lines, or gates, or fences with gates are often presented as ways of thinking of boundaries. Those analogies are good in clarifying what we mean by boundaries: I’m responsible for my lawn, but I am not responsible for taking care of your lawn.

This can be a real struggle for many, especially when you’re in, or you’re from, environments where boundaries weren’t clear.

Very importantly, boundaries are limits and rules we put on ourselves, and that’ll be a theme that comes up a lot this evening. They are best when they’re intentional, when they’re balanced.

Somebody with healthy boundaries can say no when they need to or want to, but they also can say yes when they want to and are able to. It should be a choice, not an expectation on yourself or from anyone else.

Someone with healthy boundaries isn’t completely cut off from others. They’re comfortable to be open and comfortable in close relationships without feeling overly vulnerable.

Boundaries help identify what we keep and what we keep out or let go of in our lives. Might be the opinions of others, expectations of time, others’ needs, even their hurts and burdens we might want to take on. It’s not that we can’t take them on, but it’s important that we’re choosing what we take on, ensuring that it fits with our values and doesn’t trample on our own needs.

Boundaries protect us. They protect us from overworking, from overcommitting, overgiving, from being taken advantage of, doing things that don’t align with our values.

Our resources are limited: our time, our energy, our money. We want to use these things on what matters most to us. It’s saying no to one thing so that you can make sure you can say yes to something else—maybe something that’s more important for you.

They keep us physically safe, like refusing to get into a car with a driver who’s been drinking, or asking somebody to leave if they’re aggressive. They keep us emotionally safe—whether threatened, bullied, belittled, frequently criticized, lied to, etc. They help protect us from emotional abuse. Might be like hanging up the phone on a relative when they start cursing at you, or asking your mother to stop making sarcastic comments about your lack of hair.

Boundaries ensure that relationships are mutually safe, respectful, appropriate, and caring.

They communicate things to others: who we are, what we need, our beliefs, our values, what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour towards us. They let others know how we want to be treated. This can be with a no, a maybe, or even sometimes a yes with limits.

Sometimes others are threatened or confused by our differences and want us to think, feel, act the way that they do. We too may be afraid of being different. We worry about it leading to criticism or rejection, and we allow others to tell us who we are.

Mental health professionals sometimes will use the term enmeshment to describe these kind of relationships. There’s no boundaries in these kind of relationships. Everyone’s expected to toe the line. Everyone should act and think the same way. In these kind of relationships, you live your life based on what other people want you to do, what they think is right, instead of deciding for yourself.

So boundaries also guide us in how we respond when our limits are crossed. When they’re crossed, we have the choice to re-evaluate what we can do to make sure they’re not crossed again. We have to consider what we have control of. We don’t put the responsibility on the other person. It shouldn’t be up to someone else to decide if our boundaries are respected.

Finally, boundaries are self-management. They help us prioritize our healthy habits: getting enough sleep, not drinking too much, having enough time and energy to exercise, going to the doctor, even going to therapy. It’s about, in many ways, making sure that you’re putting your time and energy into the things that are important for you.

Now, what boundaries are not.

Boundaries are not demands. The goal of a boundary is to help you take care of yourself, not control others. So when we communicate boundaries, we’re really just making a request. We’re not forcing. We can only control ourselves. You only have limited influence over other people, so the focus should be on taking care of yourself rather than trying to change others, because that tends to be a fruitless endeavour. I like to remind myself: I’m not doing this to you, I’m doing this for me.

Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums. We might communicate consequences if there’s a boundary violation in particular, but these are not threats. The difference is we’re not punishing somebody; we’re protecting ourselves. Now that can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, but how we feel can be a really good indicator. We may find ourselves angry, resentful, or hurt when our boundaries have been crossed, and these can sometimes make us want to punish somebody. But threats and ultimatums are not usually well thought out, and they’re often not followed through with anyways.

Boundaries aren’t mean. Setting boundaries does have an impact on other people, may lead to hurt feelings, yes, but we often avoid setting boundaries due to fear that it’s going to have a damaging impact on a relationship. Sometimes they are met with resistance, but good boundaries are inherently respectful. They’re not controlling. They’re not meant to cause harm or hurt to someone else. It is, again, protecting our own resources from being taken from us: our time, our money, our emotions, our space, our energy, when we don’t want them taken or are unable to give them.

They communicate our expectations and help other people understand how to interact with us. They decrease misunderstandings. They can create a positive foundation for communication.

We often become resentful or angry when we don’t communicate our boundaries because others don’t end up knowing where our limits are. So when they inevitably get crossed, or we feel like we’re being taken advantage of, we get angry. It is a kindness to ourselves and others to communicate things clearly.

It can be scary, especially when you first start thinking more about boundary setting, but most people do adjust to the changes, and relationships are typically strengthened by clearer communication. You end up with fewer misunderstandings, greater trust, respect, connection. But if we don’t communicate our needs to other people and our expectations, then they don’t know what to expect from us, and they don’t know what we expect from them.

Boundaries are not selfish. Selfishness is thinking about yourself only. It’s not thinking about others, and that is not at all what I’m suggesting tonight. I’m suggesting a much more mindful approach where we’re thinking about others, but we’re making sure we give ourselves the same courtesy and not neglecting our own needs.

It is not selfish to look out for yourself and protect your resources, and boundaries allow us to care more for others than if we didn’t have them. We don’t bring our best if we’re not at our best. So it’s no one else’s responsibility to ensure that our needs are met, to make sure that we have enough. Boundary setting is saying yes to ourselves, making sure we have enough, and making sure we can put those resources where we value putting them.

Boundaries are not universal. They’re unique. They’re dependent on the person: their experiences, their relationships, their values, often a response to what we’re taught, things that have happened in our lives.

Now, a lot of people come to me in my sessions and they say, they might present a scenario for me and ask me, “What do you think about this? Is this right or wrong?” They might be looking to an expert to determine if their boundaries are legitimate, but boundaries are unique, and they’re best made when you look to yourself and reflect on what’s important to you. Partly because you’re much more likely to follow through with enforcing boundaries when you believe that they’re the right boundaries for you.

Boundaries are not unchanging. They’re not impenetrable. They’re not inflexible. Like I said, they’re influenced by our values, and values always change. So it might be different in different situations with different people. Sometimes we want to protect different things, and we are allowed to refine them, even change our minds.

Rigid boundaries can feel safe, and that’s especially true if we’ve experienced hurts or trauma, but keeping walls high and not letting anyone in can lead to feeling alone and isolated.

Now, there are a range of boundaries from rigid to porous. You can define specific boundaries like this, like there might be a specific area where you want to have rigid boundaries, and other areas where you’d like them to be more porous. Or you can look at your boundaries in general more globally on this kind of a spectrum.

There’s no judgment for these. None of these are right or wrong, but they should be intentional. They should match what serves you.

So rigid boundaries involve building walls that, in a lot of ways, can keep other people out. We do this to keep ourselves safe, but staying safe by locking everyone else out can be unhealthy and create a whole other set of problems. Rigid boundaries are meant to build distance and to feel protected, but this typically comes from a fear of vulnerability, maybe a history of being taken advantage of. People with rigid boundaries tend to not allow exceptions to their rules, even when it would be healthy for them, even if they would benefit from them. It just feels safer to keep the walls up. It can often lead to an overreliance on independence, believing that we don’t need anyone in our life.

Now you flip it over to the other side: porous boundaries, permeable boundaries. These ones are soft. They’re easily breached. They’re more of a suggestion than anything else. They’re weak and poorly expressed. They can lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself. They can even lead to things like depression and anxiety.

Examples of this might be spending no time apart from another person, sharing everything because that’s what’s expected, seeing differences as threats, agreeing with everything, being unable to say no, believing it’s your job to fix other people.

Now, healthy boundaries—healthy and flexible boundaries—are having walls that are tall enough to protect, but they’re like having a gate in the wall. When boundaries are healthy, you’re clear about your needs. You say no when you’re needed to, and you respect other people’s boundaries as well. You share yourself in ways that feel comfortable to you.

Healthy boundaries in one relationship does not mean healthy boundaries across all relationships or in all areas of your life. You might be excellent at setting boundaries at work. With your friends, maybe things are a little bit more porous with them, or maybe you struggle with setting healthy boundaries with your parents.

People with healthy boundaries value themselves. They value their opinions, and they don’t compromise on what’s important to them. They share, but they don’t overshare. They know what they want and need, and they can communicate it. They understand that we’re responsible for our needs and our wants, and we can accept that from other people. We can manage other people’s boundaries.

Boundaries can fluctuate. Like I said, you can redefine them. Sometimes things change in life, and how rigid or how porous those boundaries are in different areas of your life can sometimes move around. You may have healthy boundaries with family, rigid boundaries at work, porous boundaries with romantic relationships. What is appropriate in different contexts is really dependent on the context. Something that could be appropriate and healthy when out with friends might not be so much when you’re at work.

Now, boundaries can apply to all sorts of areas of your life, and they have been categorized in many ways. I have here some general examples of areas that might be worth considering where your boundaries are.

The first one is physical boundaries. This is your body, your skin, your bodily anatomy, your physical self. It’s when, where, how, who is touching us, and when this is broken, we can feel deeply violated, we can feel offended, we can feel abused, and it can have a lasting impact to make us feel that this boundary maybe doesn’t exist. I always like to recommend, if this is something that kind of resonates with you, probably a good time to reflect on whether it might be helpful to talk to somebody—maybe a counsellor or something—because it can be so impactful on us.

Now, ways that boundaries around physical boundaries can be expressed: “I’m not big on hugging,” “I need a rest,” “I don’t want you to touch me like that,” those kind of things.

Now, the property and material boundaries are the things that we own, the things that we have—like our money, our possessions. The limits on what and with whom you share. Might be lending money to others. Might be keeping people off your property. Might be expectations around gift-giving, loaning out your lawnmower, maybe somebody asking something of you at the last minute.

Physical space or environmental boundaries are really about our distance from people. Sometimes we just need to move away from someone. I think about somebody showing up unannounced, somebody coming over uninvited, just walking in the door. Privacy is a part of this. Having your diary read, or having your phone gone through—these are examples of those physical space and environmental boundaries.

There are time and engagement boundaries: how we spend our time. We have 24 hours in the day, we’re always choosing what we spend that time on, and so we want to ensure that our time fits with our priorities. So communicating this boundary may be like, “I can only stay for another 30 minutes,” or “I’m already committed, I’m not going to be able to help at this time.” It may involve setting limits around when we have conversations, such as, “I can tell you’re upset. I want to talk to you about this, but it’s late and I need to go to bed. Let’s talk about this tomorrow.”

There are boundaries around communication: how things are communicated with us, how much personal information is shared by us. That’s our emotional openness with others—oversharing, or maybe being overly isolated. But it’s also about expectations around respectful communication. We want people to communicate with us in a way that’s free of abuse, free of harassment. We don’t want to be intimidated. We don’t want to be coerced or manipulated. It needs to be dignified. It needs to be honest. So those might be some boundaries that we want to set with other people around communication.

There are intellectual and cognitive boundaries. These are boundaries around our thoughts, our beliefs, our ideas, how they are respected by other people. This does not require agreement. We don’t need to be on the exact same page as someone else, but it’s more about how those differences may be managed. Are we shut down? Are we shamed? Are we belittled? One might say, “We might disagree on this, but I will not tolerate being insulted.”

Why is it so hard to set boundaries? There are a lot of reasons why we sometimes have a difficult time with this.

A big one is we don’t recognize the importance of it. We tend to dismiss or disregard boundaries. We downplay or minimize the importance of them, and we suffer because of that. People around us suffer because of that.

Sometimes it’s because no one taught us how. We might not be familiar with boundary setting. We may not have had role models. Maybe we weren’t told that we have a right to set boundaries. Maybe no one showed us how.

Boundary setting is a skill, like a lot of other things, and it’s one of those things that gets better with practice. If you’re not practiced, you’re probably not very good at it.

It can be scary to set boundaries. Maybe you’ve tried before, you’ve gotten poor results. Maybe you’re unsure how to do it properly—fear of doing it wrong. You’re afraid of hurting feelings, disappointing. Maybe you’re worried about conflict or losing a relationship. Maybe just being ignored or not taken seriously. Maybe you’re worried about realizing that you’re not as cared for as you’d hoped you were.

It’s important to remember that fears are not always accurate, and we oftentimes base our fears on misconceptions, misperceptions. We tend to overestimate the likelihood of negative outcomes. Maybe somebody has had a negative outcome, or maybe somebody reacted strongly in the past for setting a boundary, and you might generalize that experience to setting boundaries with everyone in your life. Fear has an amazing power to override logic.

Setting boundaries can make us feel guilty. Guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something wrong, and in this case you might feel like you don’t have the right to protect yourself. You might not have the right to say no, or have your own ideas, or maybe ask for something. It can be helpful to examine the beliefs that you have that underlie this guilt: that narrative, what we tell ourselves. Maybe, “I should always be putting others before myself,” “What I want doesn’t really matter,” or maybe, “It’s mean or rude to say no.”

A lot of these kind of thoughts can be based on unequal relationships. It’s often about self-esteem issues. You’re not believing that your needs or your wants are as important as someone else’s, maybe because it’s been communicated to you directly or indirectly that you and your feelings aren’t important and you don’t deserve to be treated well.

Boundary setting can feel harsh, but again, reframed: it’s actually saying yes to ourselves. We’re saying yes that my time, my energy, my body, my values are important to me. They teach people what to expect from us. They know what to expect from us. Being clear is a kind thing to do. I’m not trying to hurt you; I’m trying to care for myself.

So remember that you matter and are as important as everyone. Not more, but equally. Don’t accept a less than position. Now, this can take practice, but it gets easier and it’s worth it. This is one of those areas where faking it till you make it might actually be a great idea.

Another thing that makes it difficult is not actually knowing what you need. Sometimes we haven’t really considered what we actually need, and what feels right, and what doesn’t. Like I said before, boundaries are unique. You may need more personal space than someone else, and it might depend on the situation. If you don’t recognize this, then you can’t ask for it.

If you’ve been encouraged to please others, you might rely on other people’s validation and approval to feel good, so you might not consider what is really important for yourself. Sometimes we place unreasonable expectations on ourselves, like, “I’m busy, I can add one more thing to my to-do list,” and you’re not recognizing that you’re already stretched too thin.

But take this away from the presentation tonight: your needs matter. Having needs does not make you needy. It’s necessary for your health, for your well-being. So listen to yourself. Reflect. Be kind.

We often do better for ourselves and others when we cut ourselves some slack. To overcome the difficulties in setting boundaries, we oftentimes have to fight against what feels like our nature. Our nature is to make others happy, to avoid the feelings of fear that can come up, and to recognize and tackle the unreasonable expectations we place on ourselves. We need to recognize and tackle those expectations.

Now, boundaries come from all over the place. Our cultural community—expectations of boundaries can vary widely. Expressing emotions in public, whether that’s appropriate, inappropriate, encouraged or not, is a common area where our culture or community can influence what feels right to us.

Our family of origin: what is okay and what isn’t is something that’s picked up on in a family of origin. Families can be healthy, meshed, detached. Ideally, there should be a balance between independence and trust, support, and limits.

So when is it time to set or reset boundaries?

Actually, before I get into this, I noticed a couple of messages in the chat. I’ll check the Q&A to see if there’s anything in there. I’m not seeing anything yet. Hopefully it’s working.

Oh, somebody wrote in the chat: “The hardest part in my opinion: what do I actually need, especially after years of ignoring that stuff?” This can feel in a lot of ways like a muscle that just has been neglected. We’re strengthening it in a lot of ways, and when we start, it can still feel very weak, but it is worth going to the gym, starting out small, and building that muscle.

Any other thoughts? Has anything I said made you reflect on your own experience with boundaries, or made you think about how your boundaries are with other people? Give it a moment in the chat if anybody wants to throw anything up there.

I got something here: “I’m trying to learn how to set boundaries on myself, such as to be less compulsive behaviour, as in shopping, or making myself late by trying to do more tasks than what I have time for.” Yes, and that is something I’m going to get into a little bit later on, that boundary setting with yourself, and again aligning those boundaries with what you value, because we end up looking back and going, “I really wish I had done something else.”

Somebody wrote that setting boundaries can feel really uncomfortable; there can feel resistance. It won’t always feel easy. That’s definitely true.

“Definitely learned I have boundaries, but a lot of them are porous because I tend to defer to other people.” Like I said before, we have a tendency to want to almost get justification. We feel like there’s maybe something inherently wrong in our boundaries, and so it’s nice to look to somebody else and for them to say, “Yeah, it’s okay,” but that dependence on others can get us into trouble because they are not always around and not always there when we need it. So we need to be able to find that within ourselves.

All right. I’m looking at the time, and we are flying, so I want to get moving through some stuff.

So, when is it time to set or reset the boundaries?

You might be considering where you set yours, whether they’re where you want them to be, where you need them to be, and there’s some cues that you can determine if a re-evaluation is in order.

When you’re feeling the effects of not taking care of yourself, when you’re neglecting your self-care, you may be feeling overwhelmed. You might have a desire to run away from your responsibilities. You might be avoiding interacting with other people. If you’re feeling burnt out, you always seem to be the helper, never the one being helped. Maybe you’re never saying no. Maybe you’re unable to ask for help. You just feel too guilty about putting a burden on someone else. Rescuing other people. Maybe you’re loaning your money or your possessions.

These can be a sign that you are way past needing to readjust your boundaries.

So I like to recommend that people really pay attention to their feelings. Do you regularly ignore the desire in your head to say no? Is it in there, but you just can’t bring yourself to say it? If you’re feeling uncomfortable by how others treat you, are you feeling resentment or frustration? If you notice these negative signs, these negative feelings, they might be a sign that there might be a boundary that’s being crossed, and maybe a boundary that’s not where it needs to be in your life.

So I recommend: be curious without judging yourself. This is a journey for all of us. It is not helpful to beat yourself up when your boundaries aren’t where they should be.

Sometimes we’re taught to keep quiet, especially about our feelings. We cannot push negative feelings down in a healthy way. So reflect on those feelings. They are information for you. Learn from them.

So you need to set some boundaries, or maybe you need to reset some boundaries that you have already set up but are just not in the right place. What’s a good way of doing that?

I am a big planner. Planning is always a good place to start. I am not great at thinking on the spot. If I need my brain to work when stress or emotions are high, I just cannot count on it. So I like to think about things beforehand. I like to know where I want my boundaries to be when I’m in a calm, rational place. I find that a lot easier than having to get them established in the moment, probably when it’s really important and probably when stress and emotion is high.

So think about it beforehand can be really, really helpful. How do you do this?

I like to start with clarifying what you need, what you want. So what’s the problem here? What is the problem that you’re experiencing that maybe doesn’t feel right to you? Maybe it’s a friend that’s always borrowing your stuff. It can be helpful to be really as specific as you can be.

Sometimes these boundary violations can be obvious. Maybe they’re recurring and they stand out like a sore thumb, but a lot of the time they’re kind of difficult to identify. Understanding the problem—if you can recognize what the problem is—can help us identify what the boundary is that needs to be set.

What are my unmet needs here? Is it respect? Is it privacy? Is it respect for my things? Is it the expectation that I’ll jump whenever somebody needs something?

Listen to yourself. Pay attention to those emotional cues. What’s going on in your body? Are you feeling frustrated? Are you feeling hurt? Uncomfortable? Unimportant? Again, this is information, and you can work backwards from it. It allows you to reflect on what’s happening that’s making you feel this way and helps you recognize the boundary that might be crossed.

Are the boundaries that you have right for you? Do they sit well with you? Do they fit your values? Do they serve you?

Now, feelings that come up might not mean that there is a boundary violation, but it is good practice to pay attention to them in general.

So once you’ve identified the problem, it’s good to consider what kind of outcome you want. You put together the problem, the unmet need, the feeling into a clear statement about what you want. “I need respect.” “I want to feel at ease when I’m spending time with my friend.” We’re not solving the problem yet. We’re only on what I need and how I want to feel.

So we’re not solving the problem, and at this point in time you can identify what is the boundary that’s going to help you achieve this outcome.

It’s always good to think up some options. What are the boundaries that you can put into place here that’s going to help you reach the goal?

They don’t need to be good solutions. They don’t even need to be possible solutions. I like to shotgun out a bunch.

So you got a friend who is taking advantage of you. Maybe some options would be to stop talking to that friend. Maybe telling that friend you’re trying to be more protective of your belongings so you’re no longer lending them out. Maybe it’s just saying, “No, I’m not comfortable with lending my things” when they ask to borrow something. You could ignore it. You could change the subject if she asked to borrow something. You could tell your friend you need the thing they’re asking for and can’t lend it out—maybe a little white lie. Or you could do nothing, except that she’s just going to continue to ask for things, and you could go along with it.

The next step is knowing what you have control over. Asking yourself if you can meet these needs ourselves, or do you need to ask for help?

Many things are relational in nature—things that we can’t do ourselves—but there are a lot of things that we do have control over. We have control over our words, our actions, our feelings, our thoughts. We can’t control what other people say, do, feel, or think.

So we can waste a lot of time trying to get others to say or do things that we want them to do. We might resist changing ourselves even when it’s the simplest option, especially when you’re feeling hurt or angry. You just think that somebody should fix the problem, but that’s not always the easiest or even a solution that’s going to work for you.

Sometimes it involves a bit of swallowing your pride. We should communicate our needs, but don’t give away your power by allowing someone else to dictate whether our needs are met.

Then we get to pick which of our options makes the most sense. What’s the best course?

I love the perspective of choosing. Sometimes we can feel a bit trapped in these kind of decisions, like we’re being forced into them, so I like to use that “I choose” language instead of the “I have to” language. It can help you feel better about implementing boundaries.

Then you want to implement them. What are we going to do to get this boundary set in place?

Again, I like to describe the action that I’m going to take and the words that I’m going to use to communicate it. Communication, oftentimes, is the biggest piece of this. This is the one that everybody gets scared of. It’s really about using your voice.

First and foremost, it’s important to communicate these things. Don’t expect people to read your mind. If you haven’t told them—even if it seems like the most obvious thing in the world—don’t count on them knowing. Speak up.

Now, that doesn’t guarantee we get what we want or what we need from them, but it is more likely when we’re clear and we’re direct.

Now, I like to choose the right time. Often the best time to have that conversation is not when you’re in the middle of the issue. When emotions are high, people tend to be defensive. Things feel urgent, but that can often lead to impulsiveness. It can lead to people feeling attacked, and when people feel attacked, they tend to hunker down. They tend to get defensive, and defensiveness is definitely the enemy of good communication.

You want them to hear what you have to say. Ideally, everybody is calm. Everybody is sober. Everybody is well rested, well fed, not distracted. Now, there is no perfect time to have conversations like this, but you do what you can.

And for goodness sakes, please do not use text messaging if at all possible. Avoid it. There is so much that is not communicated when you’re just focusing on text that it is very challenging to get what you’re trying to say across accurately.

Calm yourself when you’re going into a conversation like this. You want to ground yourself. Might be deep breathing. Might be going for a walk. Might be listening to music. I love mantras: “I’ve got this.” “I can handle whatever happens.” “It is okay to ask for what I need.”

So let’s talk about assertive communication.

Like I’ve said before, clear is kind. Oftentimes the hardest part is finding the right words, but the good news is there aren’t any absolutely right words, but there can be wrong words.

You want to be respectful. You want to avoid yelling, insulting, silent treatments. That kind of thing does not communicate what you need in a way that’s going to get through to another person. We want to make requests, not demands.

If you were to say something like, “I need you to stop being so loud. You’re so inconsiderate,” you’re getting a point across, but when someone hears that, they are likely going to get defensive, and they’re going to try to justify what they’ve done, or maybe just outright deny your experience. They might think that your perception is wrong. When people hear accusations, they dig their heels in, and they’re not open to understanding you or working with you.

I’m a big fan of observation-impact statements. This is a format of communicating that is useful when you’re trying to get something across that’s really important, particularly if you’re addressing a behaviour.

Very simply: you’re recognizing what is going on—that’s an observation—“This is what I notice,” and then, “This is the impact it’s had on me,” and in this case you can follow that by what you need.

An example would be: “I feel very hurt when you don’t consider me when making decisions that affect me. I need to be included in making them going forward.”

So the “I feel very hurt” is the feeling, the impact it’s had on you. The “when you don’t consider me when making decisions that affect me” is the observation you’re making. You can follow this with a check-in: “Is that something that you’re willing to do?”

I recommend people keep it simple. Keep it specific. Do not overexplain. “Tonight I need some alone time.”

Avoid using generalizations. “I’d like you to treat me with respect.” Now that sounds good in theory, but what does it actually mean? You want to try to identify an action that you want. Give an example if possible.

I recommend owning it. Make the boundary about yourself. It really is about you. So you might say something like, “It would mean a lot to me if you could do this,” or “It’s important to me that this be done.” It’s me that wants this. You’re not blaming.

Not blaming can sometimes feel like you’re swallowing a little bit of pride. You want to put the focus on, “It’s you that’s causing me this problem, and you need to change,” but that kind of accusation, again, doesn’t usually come across very well and people get really defensive about it. So swallow your pride in order to reduce that defensiveness. Own the message. Make it about yourself as much as possible.

It’s hard to argue if you say, “This is important to me.” They can say it shouldn’t be important to you, but they can’t say it’s not important to you.

Be confident. Don’t undermine yourself. Don’t use minimizing language—those sort ofs, the kind ofs, the maybes. You want to be polite, you want to be direct, warm but steady tone of voice. That can make a big difference.

Use confident body language. Face the person, make eye contact, and check for understanding: “Does this make sense?” “Do you have any questions?”

Be open to negotiating. Avoid unnecessary rigidness. You want to know when your boundaries are non-negotiable, but compromising is really about working together to find a mutually satisfying solution. It’s not conceding. You want to listen to how you feel. You shouldn’t feel taken advantage of.

You never really have to compromise, but give and take is part of a healthy relationship. So have that conversation if you can.

Remember, no can be a complete sentence.

I also like, “I have a policy.” “I have a policy that I don’t do this.” Now it communicates that it’s more than a haphazard thought. It’s been well thought out. It’s not personal. It’s something that I’ve really considered instead of a reaction to a situation.

Now, if you struggle particularly in the moment, “Let me think about it,” or “Let me check my calendar,” that can be helpful. There’s very few situations that require an immediate response.

But avoid giving false hope if you can help it. Try to avoid “Let me think about it,” because it can kind of give the other person a sense that you’re open to it. So if you’re not, try not to go there. Think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, before you say it, if at all possible. Sometimes, I will recommend clients even write a script if they need to. Not necessarily pull it out, but that can work too, if they have to. If the message is really important, you want to get it right.

Be open to hearing and inviting understanding of someone else’s boundaries. This is a conversation. It’s not a one-time event. You might need to have multiple conversations about it. Repetition and refinement are helpful. So practice.

Find safe people. You can bounce ideas off of them before you have those hard conversations with the person you want to have that conversation with.

Reinforce. Express appreciation. If you have a good conversation and it seems like your message got through, take the time to thank them: “Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”

Remember, people need time to adjust. If they don’t expect things from you, if you are changing the script of what you would normally do, they might have trouble adapting to the new you. So sometimes people need some time.

Okay, I’m going to have a quick look through the chat. There has been lots here: somebody talking a little bit about culture, the guilt they feel talking to family, not liking disappointing people but starting to put themselves first. So it seems like there’s some people who are on this journey and making some progress.

“I often avoid my responsibilities, things that should be top priorities, by allowing myself to get distracted.” Oh yeah. So maybe what you prioritize in your life overall might not be fitting with what you feel like you should prioritize, with what you really value.

Somebody finding it hard to create boundaries with families and loved ones. Raised to be a people pleaser and it’s tough. That is a very common experience.

All right, I’m going to move along.

It’s a good idea to fine-tune your boundaries. Again, this is always a work in progress. There’s rarely a right the first time. People don’t typically get them nailed down quickly, and it’s something that gets better with practice. Reflect: if you’ve done this, was it successful? What worked, what didn’t? It usually requires some repetition. It’s rarely all or nothing.

Sometimes we just need to use actions. Sometimes the conversations are not going to be fruitful. Some circumstances where that might be the case: when there is a risk of harm to somebody, that’s a time not to have that conversation, just to put the action of that boundary into place. When you’re dealing with somebody with a more severe drug or alcohol issue, if somebody is inebriated, it is going to be very, very difficult to communicate boundaries to them in a way that they’re going to be able to hear. Or maybe you’ve previously communicated boundaries before, but there’s been repeated violations.

So I am going to jump into pushback and obstacles. I am a little mindful of time because we are almost done our hour, but I just wonder if anybody’s got some questions or some comments about what I’ve talked about so far. Give it just a second in the chat or the Q&A. I still don’t see any questions in there, so I hope that means that I’m answering questions well.

All right, well, let’s talk about pushback.

If this is unusual to the people around you, if you are making changes to how you are putting boundaries up in your life, then people might be uncomfortable. They’re going to notice those changes, and they might try to get things back to the way they used to be, the way that it’s comfortable for them. So you might have to deal with some pushback.

First and foremost, remember you can’t control and are not responsible for how others respond to your boundaries. Some people, hearing no, it’s just a challenge. It’s a challenge to change your mind. These types of people, they cannot respect other people’s limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, and they may need to control other people.

Some people might just find your boundaries unusual or unsettling. You are changing the rules, so they might ignore them. They might just continue to do what they want.

Some people might test limits to see where your boundaries really are. They may sneak or manipulate. It’s sort of an attempt to do what they want without you noticing.

They might rationalize or question. They might challenge the validity behind your boundaries, the reason behind your boundaries. It might be an attempt to discredit those boundaries.

You may have to deal with defensiveness: people making excuses about how their behaviour is okay.

There’s a question in the chat: how do you set boundaries with people who don’t know what they want, or setting boundaries with people pleasers? That is a really interesting question. I’d love to hear a little bit more of it, maybe some context for that. How do you set boundaries with people pleasers? I don’t know if they would be trying to keep boundaries generally low for you, expecting the same thing of you that they expect of themselves, or… I’m not sure. Christa, you could expand on that question a little bit and I’ll come back to it.

It’s important to know yourself and believe in the boundaries that you’ve set. It’s important to be consistent. You want to be firm and you want to be fair when you’re communicating these things. Again, you might need to restate calmly, assertively, what your needs are.

It could be helpful to correct violations in real time. If you set a boundary and you notice it being breached or pushed or tested, that’s probably a time to address it and say, “Hey, this is what I was talking about.” If you let time pass, the impact doesn’t have the same strength, and they might even be able to more easily say, “That’s not really what happened,” or “That’s not what I did.” If you correct it in the moment, it’s easier to address it.

It can be helpful, too, to plan and acknowledge the change that you’re making before you make it. You can set the stage. You might say, “I know this might feel a little unusual, but this is something that’s become a lot more important to me, and so you might notice this change as I set more boundaries.” So people have the heads up of what’s happening.

There’s an excellent question in the chat: how should you handle people who turn you into a villain for having boundaries and they get angry? I’m going to jump into that in just a second.

Communicate consequences if necessary and if appropriate. Boundaries, again, are to protect us. So if they’re crossed, we need to find a different way to protect ourselves.

Consequences are really just a re-establishing of our boundaries in a way that we have more control over. So if my boundaries aren’t respected, maybe I need to create some distance. That’s something that I have control over.

How you do this, how you set consequences, really depends on: is it safe to do it? Obviously, you don’t want to stir up something that’s going to put you in an unsafe situation. It depends on the nature and importance of the relationship and the severity of those boundaries and the consequences.

It’s important to remember: the consequences are not punishments. They’re not retaliations. You want to ask yourself, does this consequence help to protect me and take care of myself, or is it more about punishing the other person?

So that might be like: “I’d like to continue to have this conversation with you, but I won’t accept being yelled at.” “I’m not okay with you making racist jokes. If you continue, I’m going to leave.” “If you aren’t able to give me more notice, I’ll not be able to babysit for you anymore.”

Now, don’t set up a limit or a consequence that you can’t follow through with. That is very important.

Boundaries are really about ourselves. They’re limits on ourselves. We can’t really set limits on other people. It’s not possible. We can set them, we can communicate them, but we can’t control what other people do. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly, who are crossing our boundaries.

We can’t change them. We can’t make them behave right. So it’s important to remember what we have control over.

Sometimes people don’t like hearing boundaries. They’re important, but they have an impact, and sometimes relationships can be affected by them. If a relationship ends because you have set a boundary, it was likely a sign there was a bigger issue in the relationship. A healthy relationship will allow you to set boundaries without fear of retaliation, without fear of being cut off, without fear of manipulation.

So let’s talk about obstacles.

Sometimes there is a need to distance yourself from a relationship which is hurtful, harmful, unhelpful to us. That distance sometimes can help us heal. It can be temporary, it can be permanent. Space can give us space for forgiveness.

But we’re hardwired for connection. We need people. So making that space can be hard.

The fear of being alone can seem bigger to us than the fear of staying in these negative patterns. Connection is really important. We fear losing those connections. We oftentimes will choose attachment over our own well-being and our own needs, and that’s particularly true if we’re somebody who’s vulnerable to feeling isolated. We might give up more of ourselves in order to keep those relationships, even if they’re unhealthy.

So that can lead to people pleasing. We’re all people pleasers to some level. It really helps us to live with others. We want to foster connections with others, but it’s important to ask yourself how you’re feeling with it. What are we hoping to get out of it? Feelings of guilt, self-consciousness, feeling like we’re doing something we shouldn’t, or failure to do something that we feel like we should.

Sometimes they’re just thoughts, and we feel like we should put others before ourselves. Again, this can be influenced by our culture or our influences. When we start saying no, or we start choosing a different way of doing things, it’s going to feel uncomfortable. Change is hard. But you can look at that difficulty, that discomfort, kind of like a growing pain. You want to ask yourself: where’s that guilt coming from? Is what you’re doing contrary to how you were raised, different than what you’ve usually done?

Guilt happens even when we’re doing something right, so it is not necessarily a sign that what we’re doing is wrong. If you’re feeling it, and you know that what you’re doing is okay, that actually can be a good sign of development. You’re working on that new muscle.

I’m a big fan of affirmations. They can help us think differently about what we’re doing. Things like: “I don’t need to explain every decision I make.” “It’s not my responsibility to change other people.” “Others’ responsibilities do not belong to me.” “I don’t need to accept every invitation to an argument.” “How people treat me is their decision. How I react is my decision.” “It’s not for me to decide the lessons that someone else needs to learn.”

In a lot of ways, boundaries are a litmus test for the quality of our relationships. The people in our lives that we’re close to should be able to respect our values, respect our boundaries, love our opinions, and love our uniqueness. People who can’t respect our boundaries, they’re telling us that they don’t love our no’s; they only love our yeses. They only love our compliance.

Sometimes setting a boundary can really clarify that we lost someone a long time ago, in every way maybe except physically, or maybe you didn’t really have them in the first place.

A really common reaction, resistance that we sometimes get, is anger.

People who get angry at others for setting boundaries: they really have their own boundary issues. They don’t know where you end and they start. They feel as though one who deprives them of their wishes is the bad one, maybe even unjust, and they become angry because of that. They’re not angry at anything real—not a real offence. Nothing’s been done to them. It’s that somebody will not do something for them. Their wishes are being frustrated.

They get angry because they don’t respect others’ freedoms. Angry people have boundary issues, and if you reinforce this, it’s going to return tomorrow, the next day.

Other situations: it’s not the situation that’s making them angry, but the feeling that they’re entitled to things from other people.

The first thing you need to remember is that the person who is angry at you for setting a boundary is the one with the problem. If you don’t realize this, then you’re going to think you are the one with the problem.

Remember: maintaining boundaries is good for other people. It helps them learn what they haven’t learned yet.

Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It can’t hurt you alone unless you allow it to. So staying separate from that anger, not getting sucked into that anger, is really important.

You want to leave the anger in the other person. Frankly, they need to feel it in order to get better, so protecting them from it doesn’t help them. Don’t let it be a cue for you to do something. We want to act, we want to fix it. It’s uncomfortable to be around someone else who’s angry, but don’t give in. Don’t change course. You can allow them to be angry and really mindfully decide what it is that you want or need to do.

It’s good to have a support system in place. You want to respond, not react. Don’t get angry yourself. That just feeds into the issue.

Distance yourself when and if you need to. When the change is consistent, people adapt. When they no longer have control over you, they’ll find a different way to relate. But as long as they can control you with anger, they’re not going to change.

Now, just briefly, I’ll mention: it’s kind of sad that I have to mention this, but there are people who are in situations where they might be physically overpowered. They can’t set boundaries because that relationship involves abuse.

These kind of situations: you might be afraid to tell anybody about what’s happened or what is happening. You might want to protect reputations. You might be afraid to admit that you’ve allowed this treatment, and a lot of the time people are afraid things will get worse.

Situations like this often require outside help. These are not problems that go away, and oftentimes they get worse. So if you’re in one of these kind of situations, find other people to help you. Find a counsellor who’s dealt with abusive relationships. Arrange for a place to stay if you need to get away. Call the police if you need to get a restraining order on such an individual. If there’s no other way to say no, to set a limit, that’s what you have control over. Do it for yourself. Do it for the people you care about.

All right: managing guilt from other people.

Guilt is commonly used as a method to try to manipulate us into doing what someone else wants. I think most of us have had experiences with people who try to put guilt on us as a way of coercing us into something.

The first thing to do is to recognize the guilt message for what it is. We don’t want to accept those messages without seeing that they are a means to control us.

Now, that doesn’t mean not being open to feedback, but you don’t want to give in to that manipulation and that control.

In a lot of ways, those guilt messages are really just anger in disguise. The people that are sending the guilt, they’re failing to admit that they’re angry at you for what you’re doing. They would rather focus on you and your behaviour than how they feel.

So it might be an expression of someone’s sadness, their hurt, or their needs, and if guilt impacts you, it’s a good idea to recognize that this is your problem, not theirs.

If you blame other people for making you feel guilty, they still have power over you. You’re saying that you’ll only feel good when they stop doing what they’re doing, and you’re giving them control of your life.

So don’t explain or justify. That just plays into the message. You do not owe someone who is sending you guilt an explanation. You just tell them what you’ve chosen. If you want to tell them why to help them understand, that’s okay, but if you’re dependent upon them to help you feel better, in a lot of ways you’ve fallen into their trap.

So be assertive. Interpret that guilt message as being about their feelings, and you can call them out on it. Not in an aggressive kind of way, but if you say something like, “It sounds like you’re really angry that I chose to set this boundary,” or “It sounds like you’re sad that I won’t do this for you,” then that can really dismantle it. You’re kind of getting to the root of what it is that they’re feeling, and it can take the sting out of that message they’re trying to send to you.

Empathize with them. They’re feeling distress, but it is their distress.

There are times when you might need to set boundaries with people who are in actual need. This can be a real tough one because those feelings of guilt that come up when you see somebody who is not trying to coerce you into something, but needs help.

But it’s important to remember that there are limits on what you can give. Sometimes you need to say no even when someone else has a real need. This might break your heart, but you don’t want to risk burning yourself out. You need to know what your limits are. Give what you have. Give it intentionally, and if you can’t, then send them to people who can help them.

You can empathize with their situation. When you’re in need, it’s nice to know that someone sees your needs as valid, even if they can’t directly help you.

Very quickly, I will go over some quick pitfalls.

If you run into troubles setting boundaries, you may be struggling with some pitfalls that people commonly run into.

Maybe you’re going too much too fast. If this is your first time, go slow. Focus on one thing at a time. Prioritize the most important boundary in your life.

Not following through can be an issue. Have you been consistent? Have you set that boundary and then ensured that that boundary is going to be respected? Did you implement your plan fully? If not, consider what got in the way. What stopped that plan from working?

Maybe you’ve made your boundaries seem optional or you’ve minimized them. You have to remember that your boundaries are essential. They are not elective in your life.

Maybe you were unclear or indirect. Were they paying attention? Did you state what you needed? Did you say no? Did you set a limit? Did you soften your language? Did you sugarcoat it? Sometimes we try to manipulate people by softening the message, hiding almost the boundary, and you can’t really manipulate people into swallowing your boundary. You need to be clear.

If you’re focusing on what the other person is doing instead of what your needs are, that can be a problem. Did you communicate clearly and respectfully so that you were heard and understood?

You want to focus on your desire to feel connected and open with them: “I value this relationship, but I need this from you if I’m going to feel good about this.”

Or feeling responsible for how others respect your boundaries. Again, it is your responsibility to respect your boundaries and ensure they are respected. So go back, create a new plan—something that is more within your control.

Maybe you’re giving up too soon. We typically don’t get the results we want right away. It’s easy to become frustrated, but persistence is worth it. We don’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over again if it’s not working. If you find you’re being persistent and repetitive and it just doesn’t seem to be getting through, that’s the time when you need to fine-tune your plan, come up with a new plan, think about what you have more control over.

I’ll finish with some thoughts about respecting other people’s boundaries.

I’ve been talking a lot about setting boundaries with others, setting boundaries with ourselves, and that’s hard enough, but it’s good to consider the importance of boundaries that others have set with you.

It’s hard to hear when someone sets boundaries with you. You might feel sad, you might feel angry, but it’s important to remember that this is their effort to continue their relationship with you. It is not an attempt to hurt you. This is them wanting that relationship with you and defining some limits around how to make that work.

Boundaries are a two-way street. So understanding is important to respecting boundaries. You might ask them what respecting their boundaries might look like or might sound like.

It might be tough when they don’t match what yours are, what you want, but respecting it is still important. You can feel how you feel, but it’s not okay to impose on someone else or expect them to change to fit your needs.

If your boundaries clash with their boundaries, it’s a good idea to examine your own boundaries first. Are your boundaries extending beyond yourself, putting unhealthy or unrealistic expectations on them?

Ultimately, good boundaries make for better relationships.

And that brings me to the end of my presentation. I hope that I have communicated the importance of boundaries, the benefits of knowing where yours are, and maybe how to make them a little bit more firm in your life. Thank you for joining me this evening.

I invite you, before we leave, to consider your own boundaries, and if something has come to mind tonight that you might want to create a healthy boundary around.

If you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer them or clarify anything that I’ve presented tonight.

I have some further readings if anybody is interested in the topic. These are five fantastic books. One of the interesting things about books on boundaries is plenty of them have a bit of a religious focus to them. The first three I have here are more, let’s say, not so religiously focused. So if that’s something that doesn’t resonate with you, I’d probably recommend those over the others.

And I will have a quick look at the chat to see if there’s anything in here.

I actually have a question: what if a family member has an unrealistic boundary?

That is an excellent question, hopefully one that I touched on. Family is, I mean, they are the people that are often the closest to us. Those relationships are really important, and the idea of even putting distance in those relationships, if you need to, is abhorrent to even think about.

When I hear about guilt from others from clients that I see, probably nine times out of 10 it’s from family members, and it’s almost like it’s a strategy that’s passed on from generation to generation as a means of getting others to do what you want.

Again, to reiterate what I said, I think it’s important to recognize what’s going on. In the case of unrealistic boundaries, you need to know what your limits are. You need to know what you can and can’t do, and it is fair to say, “This is just beyond me.”

Again, I would empathize. I would say, “I know this is something that’s really important to you, something that’s important to me too, but I can’t do this. This is beyond my ability, and we’re going to have to figure out a solution that works for both of us.”

All right, somebody mentioned, “What did I do so wrong to deserve this reaction?”

This is like the blamers, right? The people who are offloading their uncomfortable feelings onto you, as if you were the one who wronged them. Again, I would say, remember what you have responsibility for. You’re not responsible for how they feel about your boundaries.

So you can call it out. Again, I would say, “Hey, it sounds like you’re really upset that I have put this boundary in place. I get it. I’m changing the rules. I’m not doing what I would typically do. That’s going to be a little uncomfortable for you, but this is important to me, and this is something that I need to protect.”

Just looking through the last couple of comments: somebody asked if this is going to be posted. It will be, I believe. It is, I believe, sent actually to everybody who attended, so I think you get a link to the presentation, the slides and the recording of the presentation. It will be put up on the website. We have a blog at RiversEdgeCounselling.com, and you can check it out there.

You can also look up my profile. It is listed, it will be listed under my profile, so you can find it there as well.

So unless there is anything else, I want to thank everybody again. I hope this was helpful for you. If you do have any other questions or comments, absolutely feel free to reach out to me. You can send me an email. Maybe I can put it in the chat just to make it easier for everybody. It’s Nicholas, my first name, at Rivers Edge Counselling.com: Nicholas@RiversEdgeCounselling.com.

There we go. And with that, I will wrap us up. Thank you again, and have yourselves a good rest of your evening.