Wellness Matters Webinar - Beyond Self-Judgment: Discover the Power of Self-Kindness

This on-demand webinar from River’s Edge Counselling Centre (St. Albert, Alberta) explores how to move from self-judgment to self-kindness in everyday life. Psychologist Cathy Underhill guides you through a grounding practice, cognitive reframing (CBT), and practical self-compassion skills inspired by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer.

The full recording and transcript are below to support learners, clients, and caregivers in St. Albert and the greater Edmonton area. If you’re looking for individual, couples, or group counselling, our team at River’s Edge can help you build resilience, reduce anxiety and shame, and make kinder, clearer decisions.

Key learning points:

• Understanding the impact of self-judgment – recognize how self-criticism affects your mindset, emotions, and daily life;

• Recognize and reframe self-judgment by replacing judgment with understanding;

• Cultivate self-kindness through practical techniques to develop self-compassion, build resilience, and foster a positive relationship with yourself;

• Strengthen personal growth and confidence by discovering how self-kindness can improve decision-making and overall sense of wellbeing.

FAQs

• What is self-judgment?

  A harsh, critical response to mistakes or perceived inadequacy that fuels shame, anxiety, and stuckness.

• How does self-compassion help?

  It combines mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to reduce shame, improve resilience and decision-making.

• Who is this webinar for?

  Adults, parents/caregivers, and helping professionals seeking practical tools for everyday life.

• Can I get counselling support in St. Albert/Edmonton?

  Yes. River’s Edge provides individual, couples, and group counselling.

Watch the video

Transcript

[00:00:00]
Welcome, as Nicole was saying, to this webinar tonight. It’s focused on self-judgment — moving from self-judgment to self-kindness. And so we’re gonna get started. Feel free to ask questions, and maybe you can pop them into the chat if that’s what you’d like to do. Or you can jot them down and hold them. It might be better to just wait till the end to get to the questions, and then we can get a flow for the presentation.
I just wanted to give you a little bit of an outline of what we’re gonna be covering tonight. Nicole’s already covered the introductions. We’re gonna do a short grounding activity in a second, and then I’ll go over the session goals. We’re gonna then focus on the substance of the presentation, and then there’ll be some final tips and takeaways. And I do have some resources as well that I’m gonna share at the end.

[00:01:00]
Okay, so I’m not sure if you’re sitting on a sofa or if you’re sitting on a chair, if you’re at your kitchen table, or where you are right now tonight. But wherever you are, I’m gonna invite you, just for the next couple of minutes, to settle into a comfortable position. Maybe, if you’re comfortable, close down your eyes just for a couple of minutes.
This exercise is really just about coming into our bodies, coming into the present moment. So we’re just using a couple of minutes of mindfulness here to do that. What I’m gonna invite you to do, after you’ve adjusted what you need to adjust to be comfortable, is to start noticing any physical sensations that might be coming to your awareness in this moment.
And that might just be contact with the chair or the sofa, wherever you’re sitting. So just noticing those sensations, not necessarily having to do anything with them other than pay attention.

[00:02:00]
And then, on your next in-breath, just start to notice the flow of the breath as it comes in and as it goes out — again, allowing the full focus of your attention to be on your breath, on that inflow and the outflow.
And then maybe just noticing as well - moving away from the breath for a second - if there are any thoughts circulating in this moment. There likely are. We have busy minds, which is perfectly normal. Just notice whether it’s a planning thought or a daydream-type thought. Maybe it’s a thought about the past. Maybe it’s a thought about the present.

[00:03:00]
Then, just do a little scan and notice if there are any particular emotions that you might be noticing in this moment - kind of like an antenna, just scanning around.
And there may be nothing, and that’s okay too. Then just remove your attention away from those elements and return back to the physical sensations of the breath as it comes in and as it goes out. Again, maybe noticing the floor under your feet (if your feet are connected with the floor), the solidness of the floor under your feet, and the fact that your body is completely supported by the chair that you’re sitting in, or the sofa, wherever you are.

[00:04:00]
And then just take a couple of deep and satisfying breaths in and out again. Just slowing this one down a bit — breathing in, pausing, and then breathing out slowly. And then once more — breathing in, a little pause, then breathing out again.
The lovely thing about your breath is it is always with you. So you can access this grounding activity, or this short mindfulness activity, anytime that you wish. But for now, I’m gonna invite you to open your eyes when you’re ready — no rush — and just come back to the room or the space that you’re in.

[00:05:00]
And again, welcome, and we’re gonna journey on. So I just wanted to start the presentation with a quote by someone that I’m sure most of you might be familiar with. If not, Brené Brown has done a lot of work on courage and vulnerability and empathy. And this quote epitomizes the whole topic that we’re diving into tonight: talk to yourself as you would to someone that you love.
Okay. So that kind of sets the tone for where we’re going tonight. The goals of the session — understanding self-judgment — these are what I’m hoping you’re gonna come away with:
Being able to reframe self-judgment; some practical ways to cultivate self-kindness, largely based on the work of Kristin Neff but also Christopher Germer; and then how self-kindness connects to personal growth — that journey. And then we’ll close with some reflection, a little bit of integration.

[00:06:00]
And I’m gonna, like I said, leave you with some resources if you want to dive a little more deeply into this topic. So, understanding self-judgment: most of us probably have some familiarity with this kind of harsh, critical response to our mistakes. I’m assuming that’s maybe what’s drawn you here.
Self-judgment has been defined by Kristin Neff as a harsh, critical response to our perceived mistakes or failures — maybe our perceived inadequacies. And this often involves a rejection of our own emotions or our feelings — maybe “shoulding” ourselves: we shouldn’t feel that way; we shouldn’t have that feeling or that emotion.
And what the result of this is, according to Neff, is it leaves us feeling isolated in our own suffering. We’re going through a difficult experience, and then we feel like we’re all alone in that. And so the impact of this harsh, critical response is that we end up with this increased level of stress and anxiety, maybe a deeper sense of shame, difficulty making decisions, and obviously that’s gonna impact our self-worth — our feeling of value — and our ability to bounce back, that resilience that we want in the face of difficult experiences.

[00:07:00]
So in the end, what it does is it keeps us stuck. It keeps us from being able to make those positive changes or move ahead in the way that we might like.
And I want to just take a moment to imagine that there is someone following you around throughout your day. Imagine that this person is saying some mean things — they’re saying some critical things to you. Every time you make a mistake, or every time you are uncertain, or every time you’re dropping a ball, they’re on you and saying, “You know what? That was really dumb. How could you think about doing that?” Imagine this person following you around throughout your day and what that would be like.
Most of us wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time with that person. We’d probably find the first opportunity we had to move away, extricate ourselves — “You know what? I’ve got things to do. Sorry, we’ll connect later — much later.”

[00:08:00]
But imagine that person being someone you can disconnect from. Yes, we can get ourselves away from those negative people. But here’s the thing with ourselves: we are the only person in the world that we can never get away from.
So imagine if that critical voice is coming from within us, right? And so again, here’s an invitation to just think about — if you do experience that inner critic or that kind of high bar of perfectionism — how does that show up? How does that show up for you? And you might want to pop this in the chat: thinking about that critical voice, what does that sound like? Is that a loud voice? Does that sound like a voice from the past? Does that sound like someone who has been in your life or is currently in your life? And again, just noticing and reflecting on maybe the origins of that for a moment.

[00:09:00]
So, again, knowing that we might have that inner critic present — showing up for us — we’re gonna move forward now and see about some different ways that we can manage that.
So one of the tools that I want to share with you tonight — oops, sorry about that — reframing self-judgment. This comes from the cognitive behavioural therapy realm, and it’s called cognitive restructuring or cognitive reframing.
What we’re going to do when we use this tool is identify that inner voice — that inner critic — and notice: what are our thoughts? So there’s that mindful awareness. We did that little exercise — that’s mindfulness. We did a little scan of our thoughts. We took that moment to identify what is actually going through my mind? We’re thinking about what we’re thinking about, which takes a moment — time to slow that down.
Then we’re gonna pause and examine it, and say: does that actually make sense? Is that rational?

[00:10:00]
Is there any evidence to support that? And maybe — if I ran that by a friend — would that friend agree?
In doing this, we’re becoming a little bit of a detective, a sleuth, if you will, and we’re looking — being a little curious around our thoughts — and just saying, “Is that true? Am I actually a stupid person? No.” Because there’s no evidence for that. Yes, I make mistakes — that makes me a human being.
Then we’re moving to that next piece, which is reframing. When we reframe, we’re taking those harsh, critical statements and replacing them, or modifying them, with a kinder, softer message — a softer tone — maybe something we would say to a friend: “You know what? Of course you made that mistake. Of course — that just makes you human.”

[00:11:00]
So again, noticing and being able to dial down the intensity, or just setting aside that message from that harsh, critical voice, and saying what we would say to a friend.
So again, here’s an opportunity for reflection. What I’m gonna invite you to do is, for a moment, think about a recent experience where maybe you engaged in that kind of self-criticism — that self-judgment. And then think about: what could I have said differently? What could I change, and how could I exercise a more compassionate response to myself?
If I called myself a name, could I say, “No, that’s not really true”? Or could I just say, “That makes sense — you were tired — of course that happens.” And again, thinking about your own particular situation for a moment,
and again, if you have some ideas about compassionate responses that you might want to use, you could pop those into the chat as well.

[00:12:00]
So we’re gonna move on now, and we’re going to talk a little bit about how to really cultivate that self-kindness approach. The definition — and I’m gonna use self-kindness and self-compassion kind of interchangeably here tonight.
Christopher Germer — one of my favorite authors — in one of his books that I’ve really delved into (it’ll be in the resource page), defines self-compassion as a desire to alleviate our own suffering. Compassion would be a desire to alleviate the suffering of others, but the self-compassion piece is taking care of ourselves just as we would someone that we love dearly.
The equivalent on a physical

[00:13:00]
level would be putting a bandage on your finger if you cut it, in order for it to heal — maybe putting some Polysporin on. But this is taking care of ourselves on an emotional level. Same idea, but taking care of our emotional state versus our physical state — which is that analogy.
Then Kristin Neff — also one of my favorite authors on this topic — has identified what she calls three pillars or components of self-compassion. She includes self-kindness as one of these pillars: being kind and supportive to ourselves when we suffer, when we make a mistake, when we feel inadequate — again, whether that’s real or perceived (it might be our own harsh judgment). Coming alongside ourselves and showing that support as we would to a friend.
She also adds these other components: one is common humanity — the idea that we are all connected, and when we suffer, that’s part of the human experience.

[00:14:00]
Just acknowledging, “Yes, we’re all in this experience together.” At some point or another, people we love and strangers — we see suffering, right? We see it on the news.
So this connects us as human beings. It doesn’t separate us. We’re not the only ones going through these difficulties; similar experiences are also what other people are experiencing.
The other component that Kristin Neff brings in is mindfulness — that skill of pausing, accepting, and turning toward the present-moment experience. In this case, acceptance of the pain or suffering, and knowing that we’re gonna be okay — that we can bring in these other elements of self-kindness, these other helpful skills. We’re gonna take some time tonight to go a little more deeply into that.

[00:15:00]
Knowing we are not alone in our suffering also goes a long way to helping us manage and cope. And then, when we bring in that self-compassionate voice and that supportive presence of ourselves toward ourselves, that really helps us navigate these experiences.
So we’re gonna talk a little about some different techniques to cultivate self-kindness. Here are a couple of practical ones. We’ve already touched on this one a bit: talking to yourself the way that you would a good friend — thinking about what’s going through my mind; maybe changing up some of that self-talk if it’s negative or harsh or critical.
And then bringing alongside maybe a voice of a friend — someone that you look at as a source of support. 

[00:16:00]
Or, alternatively, imagine that you have a friend who’s going through a difficult situation — what would you say to them? How are you supporting them? Say those same things to yourself.
We are probably quite skilled at giving compassion to others. So we have the skill — we’re not learning a new skill of compassion — we’re just turning that around toward ourselves and offering that same support to ourselves in moments of suffering, when we need that comfort.
So what I’m gonna ask you to do in the next couple of minutes is a very short visualization exercise. I will ask you to close your eyes — up to you; I just find closing my eyes helpful for visualization — minimizes distractions in the room.

[00:17:00]
Imagine yourself at your most compassionate. That could be when you’ve been with a friend who’s suffering, a loved one, a family member — maybe a pet (doesn’t have to be a person). Imagine you are offering compassion to this loved one — this person or being who is suffering. Sit with that for a moment, drawing on that compassion that is already there.
Then imagine, again in a moment of difficulty, that version of yourself comforting you — that compassionate vision of yourself coming alongside, maybe giving you a pat on the shoulder, maybe just standing beside you — offering that innately compassionate stance to yourself, and notice the comfort that you draw from that.

[00:18:00]
All right, we’re gonna move on. I have two different exercises here because I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to use tonight, but I’ve settled on the loving-kindness exercise. We’re going to take a few minutes to practice giving ourselves compassion in a more constructive or active way.
I’m gonna invite you to adjust anything you need to adjust in terms of your seating position — be comfortable — and take a moment now to close down your eyes as we start to move into this exercise. We are gonna start again by focusing on your breathing.

[00:19:00]
The idea here is switching off that doing mode — where we actively do or think — and really switching into a being mode: just being still, being with yourself — your body, your mind, your breath, and this moment — and focusing on your breath, noticing the flow as it comes in and goes out.
Not trying to change your breathing — just allowing it to flow in and out naturally and normally.
Then I’m gonna invite you to bring to mind — a little visualization — an image of a loved one. This could be a person, a friend, a family member. It doesn’t have to be someone living — could be someone who’s passed on. It could be a child, a grandparent, or a pet.

[00:20:00]
This individual or being is someone who automatically brings a sense of joy to your heart — a smile to your face — when you think about them, so once you have — and I know it can be difficult to settle on one — but for this exercise, choose just one person or being. Once you have that being in mind and that image created, I’m gonna invite you to think about the fact that this loved one desires to live a life free from suffering, just as all beings do.

[00:21:00]
For the next couple of minutes, we’re going to offer supportive phrases — kind and warm phrases — to this loved one. In your mind’s eye, imagine extending this kindness:
May you be safe.
May you be healthy.
May you live a life free from suffering.
May you live with ease.
Savor any warmth or compassion that arises in your heart toward your loved one as you extend these phrases — words of kindness and support — just for a moment.

[00:22:00]
Now I’m gonna invite you to include yourself. Imagine, in your mind’s eye, a picture of yourself sitting with your loved one — maybe holding hands; if it’s a pet, maybe you’re petting your pet — just sitting there together. Now extend these phrases to both of you:
May we be healthy.
May we be happy.
May we live a life free from suffering.
May we live with ease.

[00:23:00]
And again, savor the warmth and compassion that arises as you extend these wishes for happiness and health toward your loved one and to yourself.
Now, for the remainder of the exercise, release the image of your loved one and focus your attention just on yourself — just as you’re sitting here tonight. Maybe notice any stress or tension you might be holding. Then offer these same phrases to yourself:
May I be healthy.
May I be happy.

[00:24:00]
May I live a life free from suffering.
May I live my life with ease.
Notice any warmth or compassion that arises toward yourself in this instance. If other phrases resonate — ones you’d be inclined to use, or that you would like to hear from others — offer those to yourself.

[00:25:00]
Then take a moment to rest quietly in your own body, noticing any warmth or compassion that arises.
I’m gonna invite you to take a couple of deep and satisfying breaths in and out again — and one more — breathing in and breathing out again. Whenever you’re ready — no rush — open your eyes and return to the room, to the screen.
Welcome back. So that exercise — about five or six minutes — is something you can practice. It’s a very practical way to start cultivating self-kindness or self-compassion. It really just takes a few minutes, and it’s an investment.

[00:26:00]
If it felt a bit awkward to offer these phrases to yourself, that is very normal — especially at the beginning. If you’re not used to offering yourself self-compassion, it does feel a bit strange or awkward. This is what we consider a practice.
Okay, and I’ll touch on that a little bit more in a few slides. Moving on: here are some other ways — thinking about this on a practical level — from Christopher Germer’s perspective. He identifies five different avenues or pathways to offer ourselves self-kindness/self-compassion.
Physically: in what ways do you currently care for yourself on a physical level? Maybe there are new ways to release stress or tension — a yoga class, mindfulness, booking a massage. There are different ways to add that element of self-kindness. Maybe there are things you’re already doing — great; continue.
Thinking about it from a mental perspective — our mind: how do we care for our minds, especially under stress?

[00:27:00]
What does that self-talk look like? What are we saying to ourselves when we’re under pressure or having a difficult moment? Are we using supportive phrases? “This will not last forever. This too shall pass.” Are there other ways to incorporate a softening approach, as we talked about earlier?

[00:28:00]
Thinking about ourselves on an emotional level: making space for difficult emotions — using mindfulness and self-compassion practices. Caring for ourselves emotionally also involves validating our right to feel what we feel. Emotions aren’t good or bad — they’re just emotions. We each have a different range of experience, and in any given day we’ll have a wide variety. Emotions are signals — they give us information. Start to think about ways to validate your right to feel what you feel, and tap into activities that give you joy.
What are some things you’ve been wanting to try? New hobbies? Things that automatically bring some joy?

[00:29:00]
For example, for myself, I love walking on the trails this time of year. I love getting out in nature — it’s a bit of a reset. Giving yourself more of those things is a way of caring for yourself emotionally.
Then, relationships: in what ways do you care for yourself in your relationships? We sometimes tend to isolate or withdraw when going through difficulties. In fact, connecting with others is a form of self-care — reaching out or leaning into supportive relationships, those people in your life who are there for you. Taking time to share and be vulnerable, as Brené Brown would say.
And on a spiritual level — not necessarily formal religion — we’re talking about intangible aspects of ourselves. People may refer to God, soul, values like love, peace, truth, sacred connections — finding ways to connect with that part of ourselves that isn’t so concrete, maybe more transcendent. 

[00:30:00]
Even contact with nature — for me, that’s a spiritual experience. The miracle of day-to-day life — the sun came out today. What are we grateful for? That’s another way of taking care of ourselves on that spiritual or transcendent level.
Now, moving on to personal growth and how self-kindness relates to personal growth. There are so many benefits — this doesn’t even begin to cover them — but the ones on the slide: it helps with decision-making. We’re supporting ourselves; we have more trust in our ability to make decisions, so we’re not doing as much second-guessing. We’re able to trust our judgment and believe we can make good decisions. We’ll have an increased sense of confidence, and a felt sense of safety and security — that’s so important.
That comes from the sense of “I’ve got my own back. I’m supporting myself. I’m the kind of person in my corner I can depend on.” I’m not criticizing or putting myself down; I’m supporting myself.

[00:31:00]
This supports emotional resilience — the ability to bounce back from difficult experiences, to ride through stressful events and navigate them. It reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression (supported by research). It improves our overall sense of life satisfaction.
Thinking back to some of tonight’s experiences — if you engaged in the exercises — maybe things settled a little for you. Maybe you felt that sense of support in the compassionate exercise. Again, this is supported by research.
Personal growth, of course, is a journey — not an end point, not a goal — what I view as a lifelong journey. The reflective activity I’m hoping you can take some time for in the next week is to write a short letter to yourself as if it were from the most compassionate, kind, supportive friend you have (or can bring to mind), acknowledging what’s happening in your life and the support you would like to hear from that compassionate friend.

[00:32:00]
All right, we are getting close to the end here. A few closing reflections and a way of integrating the information we’ve touched on tonight. Key takeaways: as I mentioned, this is a journey — not a destination. We didn’t get to the point of engaging in a lot of self-judgment overnight. This has taken years, right? So it’s gonna take some time to turn that around and make these changes.
As mentioned before, it’s gonna feel a little awkward at first to start engaging in self-compassion or self-kindness. It might not feel genuine at first, but it just takes time to become comfortable with the idea that, yes, I too, as a human being, deserve to feel that support and kindness.
And thinking about the fact that — you know what — I’m the only person in the world I can never get away from. Maybe I should start befriending myself. The journey is being kind to yourself as you engage on it. You’re not gonna ever be perfectly self-compassionate — I’m sorry to those perfectionists in the room.

[00:33:00]
But this is learning from our mistakes — learning as we go. And when we have those days where we’ve been a little harsh, that’s even more of an opportunity to bring in kindness and say, “Of course — that’s the pattern I’ve been engaging in for years. It’s not gonna change overnight.”
And then an invitation to choose just one practice to try over this next week: maybe that compassionate letter; maybe practicing the loving-kindness exercise; maybe changing that inner self-talk; or taking care of yourself on a physical level. Maybe pop some of those ideas into the chat, and we’ll have a chance to talk about those.
I’m just gonna wrap up again with Brené Brown, because I really do love her work. Her perspective is that the core of mental toughness is actually self-compassion. I love this, because sometimes people have the idea that self-compassion is “I’m just gonna lay around and do nothing.” It actually helps us move through. It strengthens us — strengthens that mental ability to not slip into shame, to not indulge in that self-critical or self-loathing stance, and to actually support ourselves. 

[00:34:00]
I love this quote from Brené Brown — this is her perspective: this is actually exercising self-compassion.
Okay, so I just moved us on to our resource page. Brené Brown’s website if you want to check out her stuff — that’s where I got the quote from. And then Christopher Germer — that’s his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. That’s the book I have right now. It is an older book, but it’s a great resource, and I think it’s available in most public libraries now.
Then, of course, Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion as well. This is really her personal journey of how she started to experience self-compassion, and that life-changing experience for her was so transformational.
Then I’ve got some Harvard Health “Four Ways to Boost Your Self-Compassion” if you need some ideas.

[00:35:00]
There’s a YouTube video by Christopher Germer that you might want to check out. The other thing I put on Kristin Neff’s website — she has a self-compassion test. If you’re curious, you can check that out — a little assessment (about 26 questions). It’s pretty quick. You get the results back, and it can be quite informative — at least where you’re starting. I find that kind of fun to do.
So I just want to say thank you so much for your time and attention tonight. I hope you’ve learned some things. I hope this has been helpful. Please don’t hesitate to follow up if you would like more information.