Wellness Matters Webinar - Boundaries that Breathe: Preventing Burnout through Healthy Limits

In this talk, we’ll explore how setting intentional boundaries can help maintain balance, reduce stress, and protect your well-being. Through reflection and practical strategies, we’ll look at how to recognize early signs of burnout and create space for rest, focus, and renewal in both personal and professional settings.

In this talk, we will explore:

• How to recognize early signs of stress and burnout.

• The difference between healthy boundaries and avoidance.

• Practical ways to set and maintain boundaries with confidence.

• How to communicate your limits clearly and respectfully.

• Simple tools to support balance, rest, and long-term well-being.

  Facilitator: Ahad Syed

• How do you set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty?

  Setting healthy boundaries starts with recognizing that protecting your time and energy is not selfish. The webinar recommends communicating your limits clearly and respectfully while accepting that others may feel disappointed. By aligning your boundaries with your personal values and offering alternatives when appropriate, you can maintain strong relationships without sacrificing your own well-being.

• What are the signs that you're heading toward burnout?

  Common signs of burnout include feeling constantly overwhelmed, emotionally drained, disconnected from loved ones, procrastinating, avoiding responsibilities, and struggling to find meaning in daily activities. The webinar explains that consistently giving your time and energy to others without replenishing yourself can lead to a resource deficit that increases the risk of burnout.

• How can Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) help with stress and burnout?

  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps people become more aware of their thoughts and emotions without being controlled by them. Techniques such as grounding yourself in the present moment, acknowledging difficult feelings, and taking actions aligned with your values can reduce overwhelm and make it easier to set healthy boundaries.

• Why is self-care important for preventing burnout?

  Self-care helps replenish the mental and emotional resources needed to manage work, family, and personal responsibilities. The webinar emphasizes that prioritizing rest and recovery isn't about avoiding obligations—it's about ensuring you have the capacity to show up fully for the people and commitments that matter most.

Watch the video

Transcript

Tonight's talk is facilitated by Ahad Syed and it is "Boundaries that Breathe - Preventing Burnout Through Awareness and Boundaries".

So I'll just introduce him in a moment. I just wanted to share with you that we have well over a hundred of these talks that are recorded online and so if you go to our website you can see some many of those past talks on different health and wellness topics as well. And to get to introducing our facilitator it is my pleasure to introduce Ahad Seed and Ahad brings a dynamic intersectional perspective to our session today bridging his foundation in biological sciences and psychology with his current clinical training as a third-year master of counseling student at City University.

He is a practicum student at River's Edge Counseling Center. He's been with us since September and I'm happy we will have him through to the end of the summer. He's seeing adults and teens for counseling. In his professional role, as well as an accessibility adviser at the University of Alberta's North Campus, he is a dedicated advocate for marginalized students, championing championing the recognition that academic accommodations and accessibility are fundamental rights under human rights legislation.

When he is not actively applying acceptance and commitment therapy frameworks to his clinical practice and life or balancing his responsibilities as a new father. Aud unplugs by going for a run, engaging with art, and partaking in various trading card hobbies such as Magic. Oh, that's the name of the game. Magic the Gathering. When I skimmed this quickly ahead of time, I thought, "Oh, you do magic. I'm gonna have you do magic for our next team meeting. But I see now it is a card game. That is new to me. And also a Pokemon with his friends. That's fun. his talk is about 45 minutes, which is going to leave us with some nice time at the end for some questions and your comments. So feel free to use the chat for that. And if you want to share your screen, I'm going to hand it over to you, Aad. and I'll just keep an eye on the chat myself in case anyone needs anything.

Thank you for the lovely introduction, Nicole. Welcome everybody. I'm going to share my screen here. Just give me a quick sec. Just for anybody who's already in here, if you have any questions or anything like that, we're going to have a small sort of 10-minute question discussion time towards the end. You can feel free to stay if you'd like. With that, if you're if there are any questions sort of throughout, I will have trouble seeing them on my end. So, do just keep that in mind. I will try to check in every once in a while to see if there's anything urgent in there, but yeah. Cool.

So, welcome everybody. this is a presentation called "Boundaries that Breathe", preventing burnout through awareness and boundaries, presented by myself. Just like any presentation or slideshow or anytime you're you're sort of articulating information to an audience, especially here in Alberta, in Edmonton and St. Albert, I find it to be really important to do a land acknowledgement. It's a beautiful time of year. We finally have some sunshine, a little bit of rain, but we're starting to see the animals come out, the grass is green. So, just taking a moment to acknowledge some of this beautiful land that we have. So, let's just make sure I'm still sharing. Okay, everything is good there. All right. So, just respectfully acknowledge that we're located on Treaty 6 territory, a traditional gathering place for diverse indigenous peoples. This includes the Cree, Blackfoot, Matei, Nakota, Suyu, Iraqua, Deni, Ojibway, the Sultu, Anishinaabe, many, many others. Their histories, languages, and cultures continue to influence the vibrant community of St. Albert, which is also known in the Cree language as Mista Sakahikun or Big Lake.I only found out very recently about the cree name for St. Albert. So, I thought that was really cool. Felt like I wanted to include that in there.

So before we get fully into today, I wanted to take a moment and just add on a little bit to the introduction and specifically how it this presentation today relates with me. So part of my intersectionality and part of my experience in my life is there's multiple roles and hats that I'm always balancing. Hats such as being a father, a husband, being a student, you know, and working, and it can get really difficult at times and overwhelming even to to find out how to allocate my energy, time and resources into all of these various important roles that are in my life.

So part of why it was so important for me to to speak about boundaries today and the importance of checking in with yourself and that self-care was because of my own experiences particularly in the na in the last year. So that's some of my connection into today's presentation. Part of that is also I'm someone who's neuro divergent so that definitely adds an additional layer on top of everything and you know already everything is very hard for for everybody right so when when you add things like that that gets a bit more difficult. as Nicole mentioned the type of sort of approach that I often take when it comes to thinking about clinical things is acceptance and commitment therapy.

So a lot of what we're going to learn today will sort of be from that perspective from acceptance and commitment therapy otherwise known as ACT. So to sort of get us started for today, I always think it's interesting to start off presentations with something fun and engaging.

So I'm going to start with a case study, right? So some of you might be familiar with this name. For the sake of this, we're going to imagine this is an imaginary name. But if you if you know the name, you might understand some of the Easter egg references here. But so we have Tommy Shelby. He's currently juggling a full-time job, launching a startup, and managing the demands of a large family. To decompress, he relies on playing trading card games with a close group of friends as a dedicated space for self-care and renewal. Lately, the pressure has been mounting. Tommy feels completely overextended. He's running on empty and hasn't had the capacity to connect meaningfully with his partner or engage in his usual weekend recharge. This weekend, Tommy finally has a couple of days off. However, the calendar is already packed with competing mandatory demands. His aunt Pauliey's birthday celebration, a dinner invitation to his brother Arthur's house. He's got a strategy meeting with his new business partner Alfie. And yes, he has this game night that he's really looking forward to with his friends.

Right. So, his friends are urging him to come out for a game night and he's been desperately looking forward to this. He knows that he needs to take the mental break. However, it's a bit of a dilemma, right? He feels stuck. He knows that if he pushes through and attends every single family and business event, he will miss his only window to recharge. It'll probably leave him feeling resentful, low, and on the fast track to burnout.

However, he also feels as if if he were to cancel any of these obligations to prioritize his own rest or time, he faces intense guilt and the fear of disappointing the people he cares about. And when all of this comes together, he feels like he doesn't know what to do and he feels stuck.

Another way to think about it is he feels hooked by all of the difficult thoughts, the anxiety, and the fact that he has all of these different things going on in his life, and he doesn't know how to manage it.

So, what is actually happening in this example?

So, Tommy's consistently investing his personal resources, his time, energy, and attention across various important things in his life, family, work, business, and friends. But where does he exist in all of this?

By continuously giving without prioritizing his own replenishment or investment, he's creating what's known as a resource deficit.

There's a very interesting theory that came out in the late '7s, early 80s called the conservation of resources theory. The conservation of resources theory basically says that us as humans, we are fundamentally motivated to acquire, protect, and build the things that we value.

Stress occurs when these valued resources are threatened, lost or they fail to grow after significant effort.

So what does this mean exactly? It means that resource loss feels much worse than gaining the same amount when it when it feels good. So people focus more on avoiding loss rather than getting gains. So that's one way of thinking about it. Another way is that you have to actively use your existing resources to protect yourself from loss to recover from setbacks and gain new ones.

So if you know that you're kind of set up to more often gain resources rather than be able to get them and you also know that it's really important for you to keep resources for yourself, you kind of get stuck in the middle. Well, how do I continue to do all the important things in my life and protect the important things in my life if myself and my needs are getting in the way of that possibly, right?

And that's kind of what this theory talks about. So, this resource deficit that we're thinking about is making it so Tommy keeps focusing outwardly. It becomes very difficult for him to make choices that truly align with what he values as his limited energy is always being used up to meet the presenting needs of others. What does this mean for Tommy? He avoids, he procrastinates or shuts down around his loved ones. In other words, he's in a position where he's giving, giving, giving, but there's not much inside to give because all of it is going outward.

And what we know through sort of conservation of resource theory is that if you have fewer resources, guess what? You're more likely to go through what's known as a loss spiral. So you'll actually lose more. And if you have many, you're better positioned to accumulate more. So if you have a lot of resources, it works the other way as well. So part of this is well in order for us to be able to meet the demands of our very busy life and figure out what the heck to do with all of these responsibilities, it becomes really important for us to prioritize ourself and our needs. Otherwise, we risk consistently giving, giving, giving, eventually not even having enough to replenish all that we're giving, leading us to things like burnout, leading us to again the avoidance, the procrastination, and those sorts of things.

So, this is sort of a case study to introduce to you folks the idea of of what what it looks like when we're constantly putting our energy out there. And I'm sure many of you can can relate to this.

And maybe parts of this example that I provided today actually speak to you. So what we'll be doing today is trying to figure out well how can we how can we address this what's next right I'd like to think about research because research helps us to understand the human condition right if we know that there's a position where there's this very significant landscape of stress burnout and competing priorities, we need to start looking at well these are all the things that we know are happening what can we start doing to get to address them.

So here is what some of the stats have to say about what we're seeing in our current landscape here in North America.

So there's the burden of balancing roles. According to Statistics Canada in 2023, balancing work and personal in life is a reported top stressor for 15.7% of employed Canadians. That's over 3 million people in Canada. The weight of workload is another big one. 23.7% of people are saying that heavy workloads are a primary stress. 21.2% 2% report very high work stress. Mental health decline is reported three times poorer than pre pandemic levels across the country and this is overall according to the Canadian Mental Health Association.

Economic conditions are also something that have been been challenging for people.

39% of people struggle to pay basic bills.

Right? There's the prevalence of distress. So anxiety has doubled to 5.2% and depression rose to 7.6% 6% especially among young women according to stats Canada. Lastly, there's an access gap. 2 and a half million people according to the Canadian Mental Health Association cannot get needed care. 19% lack a family doctor despite rising burnout.

So, we are in a landscape that many of us can probably relate with of overworked, challenging financial stress, overall higher anxiety, overall higher stress levels, and then on top of that, you think about when we have all of these things going on in our lives and we're stretched in and we're trying to figure out how to allocate our time and what to do with our time.

Again, we come back to that idea that there's this feeling of stuckness that occurs. Well, what do I do? What do I do with the time that I do have? What do I do with the resources that I do have?

And if I don't have enough, what the heck do I do to get more? In other words, a way that I like to think about it is how do we build boundaries that breathe that can protect our internal resources, that can protect our time, our energy, and our attention so that we are better equipped to deal with all of these difficult challenges that many of us are facing across all of Canada.

The framework that we're taking today is that of ACT. It's a relational and values-based approach. We're going to explore how unhooking skills and having some clarity when it comes to interpersonal things such as communication with the people that are close to us how these things can sustain our energy and deepen our relationships. So I spoke a lot about stuckness in ACT. Another way to think about it is being hooked.

You're hooked by all the difficult things that are going on and they create difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions. And as this happens, we become hooked, right?

And I'll speak a little bit more about that later. But we'll be exploring how unhooking skills can help us to address some of these things.

All right. So, getting hooked. So, what often happens when we become overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, tiredness, or burnout is our thoughts fuse with our actions and we become hooked by them. An example is if I don't do this, everything's going to fall apart. If this doesn't happen on this time on this day, then that'll be it. Right?

But imagine that if we had this way of thinking about all of the different things going on in our life, then our whole life is going to feel very, very difficult to manage because everything seems like it's on the brink. We're hooked, right?

So, how do we start to try to break that cycle? And we'll address that. So, some of the outcomes of getting hooked, especially from an ACT approach and how we see it, is things like relational detachment. You might find when you've been overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, tiredness, burnout that you find yourself feeling less connected with the important people in your lives, all of a sudden, they might start feeling like they're burdens.

You might experience what's known as experiential avoidance, which in an ACT framework is when there's sort of a a numbing that occurs, an avoidance that occurs, right?

So the avoidance could be, well, you know what? I'm too tired, so instead I'm just going to doom scroll for a few minutes. Right? Many of us might have been there before. I know I've definitely been there before. You know what? I'm actually too tired, so I'm just going to go to bed. And it could be 7:00 p.m. Maybe you need that rest at that time. That's an important thing to know. But maybe the rest is happening because you're trying to avoid other things that are important to you, right?

Values disconnection often happens as well. So you might feel a profound lack of meaning, right? So, and it then it becomes all of a sudden very difficult to have a a forward momentin your daily actions.

So, these are all the different outcomes that can occur when we become hooked, when we become stuck by the difficult thoughts, right? We start acting in a way that's outside of how we wish to be acting.

So, how can we start to unhook?

Well, the first way is by trying to be present. So stages to getting unstucked or unhooked entail unhooking skills. Unhooking skills are exactly what they sound like. They're the things that we can start to do that can help to sort of loosen the grip of those difficult thoughts and feelings and emotions that are keeping us from making the decisions that are better for our well-being in the long term.

So being present means grounding. So part of that is starting to build external awareness, connecting with your immediate environment, connecting with your senses, right?

Like having moments of mindfulness is a way of thinking about it. I'm extremely overwhelmed. Let me start noticing what's in my environment. I'm noticing tenseness in my in my environment. I'm noticing, you know, the the the feeling of this table. I can smell something. I can smell, you know, popcorn cooking in the background, whatever it is. And that might sound a little left field. Well, what does that have to do with being present and unhooking? Well, the first stage of unhooking is to build presence. And the easiest way to build presence is to direct your attention to what's around you, what you can hear, touch, taste, and smell.

Another way is through internal observation. So, another way of thinking about it is something called anchoring, right? And I'll provide a short video on that.

So anchoring or you know having a moment of mindfulness, you gently sort of shift your attention to where you're at currently. What your current thoughts and feeling. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm in pain. I need rest. I need sleep. Right? Starting to sort of what do you need in the moment in the here and now? What's the goal of this? Well, it's to start noticing what's actually happening.

And the reason why this is so important is because by noticing what's happening in our present, we begin to create a natural bridge to acceptance and presence.

One of the techniques that Dr. Russ Harris talks about, who's sort of the modern guru of ACT and you know dealing with the very various challenges we have in our in our lives in the current world is the notice X technique. It's one of my favorite techniques. I work through it all the time with my clients because it's possibly one of the easiest ways to get yourself to be present.

The point of the notice X technique is to quite literally notice whatever the heck is going on around you. You start creating space between yourself and the stressors that might be building up in your ad in your life by adding well I'm noticing this. I'm noticing that I'm overwhelmed. I'm noticing that I am tired. I'm noticing that I am in pain. Heck, I'm noticing that I actually do have way too much going on.

And it might not sound like much, but you'll be surprised by how powerful that moment of acknowledgement can be. Because how often do we find ourselves caught in the trap of the difficulties of our daily lives without noticing the difficulty itself, right?

So by taking pausing and taking a moment to actually acknowledge the difficulties, the difficult thoughts, feelings, and emotions and what's around you, you start creating that bridge to acceptance and moving forward from there. So I was speaking about Dr. Russ Harris.

What I'd like to do is share with you all a short video that he has on ways to be present, and it's called dropping anchor. It's one of my favorite techniques that he does. We might not sit through the whole video, but I'll spend a moment to share it with you all. Give me a quick moment. I might I'll just unshare my screen for a sec here and then share it again with volume.

The first little skill then I like to call it dropping anchor. A boat sailing into harbor and a big storm blows up. What's the first thing the boat has to do?

Put the anchor out. I guess.

This is kind of what happens with anxiety. It's like an emotional storm blows up. All of these thoughts, all of these feelings and they sweep you away, right? Yeah. You're no longer focused. You're no longer attentive. You're just swept away.

That's why I call this skill dropping anchor because it's a way of grounding and centering yourself. So when the anxiety storm blows up, it doesn't sweep you away. And of course, anchors don't control storms. Dropping an anchor isn't a way to make a storm go away. It just kind of holds you steady. The storms come and go in their own time.

Okay, it's a very simple practice. There's just kind of three bits to it. We can with a simple formula ACE. The A is for acknowledge what thoughts and feelings are present. The C is for come back into your body and the E is for engage in the world around you.

Okay. See if you can do this with an attitude of curiosity. Take a moment to just notice what what your mind is doing right now.

What kind of thoughts are showing up and also just notice what feelings are happening in your body right now. What kind of feelings are in there?

Guess just a bit of tension and tension.

Even a bit of kind of I guess anxiety now.

Yeah. You're feeling that wet chest, tummy. Kind of in the in the tummy and in your head. What are you What's your mind saying?

You know, I hope I I get this right.

Okay. So, again, overly helpful friend looking out trying to make sure you get it right. Yeah. That's what minds do, right?

And you know, my mind's very similar to yours, you know. So, notice there's thoughts here, there's feelings here. So, that's the A. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings.

Then the C is for come back into your body. So, you know, just push your feet into the floor, straighten your back if you like, have a little stretch. You can do your own stretch if you like or you can copy me, but something that just helps you come back into your body. So, the aim here is to be aware of your thoughts and feelings. So your mind's racing. There's these feelings in your body. And at the same time to come back into your body and just kind of get a sense of of of your body in the chair.

And then the E is for engage in the world or engage in what you're doing. There's you and me here and we're we're working together learning a skill right here, right now. So the idea is you're aware of your anxiety, your thoughts and feelings. You're also in your body and you're also engaging in what we're doing. So can we run through that a couple of times?

YYeah. So with a sense of curiosity, just notice, acknowledge what's going on in your mind. Acknowledge what's happening in your body. Acknowledge any feelings or sensations. And then come back into your body. Push your feet into the floor again. Have a stretch if you like. So there's thoughts and feelings. There's a body here. There's you and me here. So engage now. As well as these thoughts and feelings in this body is you and me doing something important right here, right now. Can we do two more reps of this? Would that be okay?

Okay. So again, acknowledge thoughts, feelings, sensations, coming back into your body again in some way, moving. Sometimes breathing can help as well. A breath kind of breathing into your feet and then engaging again. You and me right now doing something important. And then one more time. Acknowledge. Come back engage and thank you for giving that a go. What was that like for you?

I feel kind of like I don't know like calmer now or something. Yeah.

All right. Thank you to Dr. Russ Harris. I am admittedly a bit of a fanboy of Dr. Russ Harris myself and he does a beautiful job of of walking through what that experience is like with dropping anchor. and that's exactly it. it's just taking that moment to just engage all parts of your body and notice what's actually happening.

Because the idea of that stuckness, that anxious thoughts taking control and you having difficulty thinking about what to actually do is cuz the thoughts have sort of sort of hijacked you, right?

And by taking the moment to drop anger, be present, notice what's going on, you're creating distance and you're acknowledging. So awesome. All right.

So well, the next sort of stage of unhooking skills is known as opening up. So once you've done the first stage right and you sort of started building awareness the next stage is to open up. So opening up means that you're making space and starting to discover what actually it might be that you need.

The noticing part is well I'm noticing that I'm tired. Then you begin to sort of try to open reality without judgment. It makes sense that I'm tired actually. That's that second part is I'm tired.

And it makes sense that I'm tired because, you know, in Tommy Shelby's case, I've got this meeting. I've got this celebration that's coming up. I've got limited time. I've got this new business. I'm trying to work. I'm doing all these things. Yeah, of course I'm tired. Why wouldn't I be tired? And it leads to the opening of the question, well, what might I need right now? Right?

It's that opening up. So part of the idea of making that space is to to feel what's going on without actually fighting it, right? So actively allowing the difficult emotions or physical sensations that are happening for you to just be instead of trying to push the discomfort away, giving it room to breathe.

And sitting in that moment and acknowledging that moment and validating yourself in that moment and then stepping back trying to untangle from your thoughts.

Learning to observe your thoughts without getting swept away by them. Recognizing that a thought is really just a thought passing through and it's not necessarily an absolute truth.

And so often does it feel like it is right because of our experiences, because of what we think is important. But sometimes by just pausing and taking a moment to reflect on those thoughts, we can actually start asking ourselves, is this actually the absolute truth or is this a momentary thing? Why do we do this? What's the point of this this stage? Well, firstly, it stops the drain, the drain of the energy by actively sort of suppressing or avoiding the negative feelings that are happening.

That actually consumes more energy for us, mental energy, than it does to acknowledge it.

It might be more difficult to acknowledge it, but the long-term energy loss from the avoidance and from not noticing and not opening up to the difficult things is more often more harmful for us in the long run. It helps us to reclaim our bandwidth.

So, we can sort of drop this internal struggle and free up our emotional capacity for the things that actually matter. By opening up, by making space and stepping back, we're preparing ourselves for action.

I've acknowledged what's difficult. I've noticed what's happening with me. I've acknowledged what it how it's difficult. I've opened up to that difficulty. I can now prepare for action. I can prepare to do something about it. I can now redirect that freed up energy I now have that would have been otherwise dedicated to all the difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions towards doing what matters and that is oh sorry and doing what matters which is what the next stage would be.

In the next slide I'm going to introduce to you a a sort of journal activity of what it might look like to open up in practical terms. Let's say in the context of Tommy.

So, this is a journal. it's called struggling versus opening up. This is actually part of Dr. Russ Harris's worksheets.

So, the struggling versus open up worksheet basically has you explore what actually occurred when you first felt the difficult feelings. So, it starts with the first part on the left there, which is day, date, and time. What events triggered the difficult feelings and emotions?

Well, on January 5th, 2026, Tommy, this is what he wrote. Tommy Shelby wrote that he was tired. He was overwhelmed, anxious, and sad. He was triggered by feeling like he won't be able to make everyone happy and make them feel cared for. And then he even noted what the trigger was. He was triggered by a facial expression Aunt Paulie made when she told him that she might not be able to make it to the birthday.

Okay. He noticed the trigger. He noticed how he felt in that moment. The next stage would be, well, how did you struggle with these feelings? The tired, the overwhelmed, the anxious, the sad. He gave it a 7 out of 10. He got home and he just sort of and then what did he do when he was struggling with it when for him his experiential avoidance looks like he got home and he just doom scrolled, right?

Which, you know, is a very common thing for us nowadays, right? sometimes we're just so overwhelmed that trying to think about it is too tough. However, there was a moment when his partner started becoming upset because he wasn't being present while she was trying to talk to him. Well, what did he start to do? Did he open up and make room for these feelings? Did he try to allow them to be there even though they were unpleasant? If so, how did he do it? Well, initially he didn't. He said, "I tried to notice X. Then I just told my partner what was actually going on in my head." So, he took the moment to actually tell her. Well, what was the outcome of that?

On the night of when he told his partner the difficulties, she comforted him. They had a nice dinner after.

So, even though he was overwhelmed and shut off, by noticing his feelings and sharing them with his partner, he was able to still enjoy the rest of his evening. and then he notes, I guess it technically enhanced it for the evening at least.

So, he was struggling. He acknowledged his struggling. He made the courageous decision to at least try to open up in the moment and to see where that took him and it made him so that way his energy could now be allocated to other things that are important to him. Right? So this is the importance of opening up is it kind of creates this free energy now that would have otherwise been allocated to doing things that are away from the things we want to be doing.

Well, it's easier said than done. What exactly can we do? How exactly do we get ourselves to now reallocate that energy?

That's the last stage of unhooking skills, which is we try to do what matters. Right? Once we've practiced being able to open up, we can reflect on the things that are important to us.

More specifically, the qualities we want to bring to our life. In other words, our values.

By opening up, we can reflect on our values. And by reflecting on these values, they can hopefully help us to clarify the qualities we wish to embody across our life. Right? And values are the things that are important to us. and through this we can start to be like, okay, well maybe now that I've opened up, I've reflected on my values, I can now start brainstorming where I want that free energy now to actually go and I can try to make it in alignment with my values.

What specifically might different types of values look like? Relationships, right? What kind of a partner, friend, or family member or business partner do you want to be?

What qualities do you want to bring into your relationships? Define your connections, right? Personal growth. How do you want to treat yourself? What attributes do you want to cultivate? Patience, resilience, self-compassion, hobbies and interests, what brings you vitality outside of your obligations? And how can you engage with your interests in a way that actually reflects your true spirit? Work and education.

So beyond the paycheck, what values do you want to bring to your professional or academic life? Think contribution and growth. So by opening up, we create space to reflect on our values, which are the things that are important to us. And then through that reflection, we can start trying to do things in alignment with those values. It's a lot of jargon. It's a lot of information.

So how do we visualize this? This is how we visualize it. This is something called a trilex. It's again it's it's Russ Harris's trilex. This is sort of my version of it.

But the first stage is yeah, you open up open yourself to the open yourself up to the stress by observing your internal dialogue.

I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed.

So notice your obligations and how they're impacting you. Then be present. Actually experience it. Experience how you've been pulled by all these difficult things. Observe how your burnout and obligations are affecting your relationships right now or even just you, right?

And through that we start to activate healthy limits and get ourselves to do what matters.

So align your actions with values. Realize you can't please everyone immediately.

Prioritize non-negotiables and plan for the rest later. Right?

So you're sort of moving through this triangle to get yourself to a position where you can even start thinking about how to set boundaries.

Part of the difficulty of this work is we're not going to be able to just create boundaries out of nowhere. So this sort of these stages of unhooking this trilex so to speak get us to a position where we can set boundaries that are actually meaningful that we know will follow because they'll be in alignment with our values and that is the next bit values based boundaries and fulfillment.

So hopefully we understand the importance of doing what matters right.

So how does prioritizing our needs through values reflection actually impact our daily life?

ell, by aligning our boundaries with the things that we cherish, we don't just protect our time. We begin to cultivate deep fulfillment.

When your actions reflect your values, they actually feel purposeful rather than reactive. Boundaries ensure that you have a space to engage in what truly brings you joy and truly bring you joy in a way again that is in alignment with who you are and what's important to you.

If Tommy were to tell Aunt Paulie, "Oh, I can't come. I just got too much stuff." Right? But deep down he knows she's really important to him and he's engaging in a way that isn't showing that.

Of course he's going to become more upset because Pauliey's going to then be upset. If he were to tweak that, if he were to create a boundary in a way that was meaningful, that showed Aunt Paulie that he still cares about her and he wants to find another way to make it up to her, he won't be feeling as as stuck.

And we'll get back to that example.

Resilient problem solving. So prioritizing your needs isn't a distraction, it's fuel.

A well-rested mind is better equipped to navigate complex problems without falling into burnout.

It's just like that airplane gas mask analogy. If any of you folks have heard it, anytime you get onto an airplane, they always give you the warning, hey, before you help somebody else put their gas mask on, put yours on first. That's what this is like.

In order for you to address the complexities of your life and all of the different responsibilities that you have you, it's important for you to create boundaries and take care of yourself so that way you have the fuel needed to navigate the complexity of your life, right?

And again, having those boundaries being in alignment with your values.

Thinking about values as a filter.

So when we use our values to filter every request, all of a sudden setting boundaries such as saying no when you know you have too much on your plate becomes an act of selfrespect that preserves your energy to do what matters rather than something that just makes you feel bad. Right?

So it switches the game because now all of a sudden I'm not just saying no because I'm just too tired and all of this and all of that. I'm saying no because I'm choosing to do something that is more important to me at this moment.

And if that other thing is also important, I'll figure out a way to make make that work. That's where that interpersonal skills sort of comes in, which is what I'll connect to afterwards. So the idea is we start to sort of move towards mastery, right?

By reflecting on why, we set boundaries that transform from a wall into gateways. Increase our problem solving capacity.

By protecting our baseline, we ensure that what we do actually allows us to tackle problems and bring us fully present. And ideally, the outcome through this mastery would be that we start to have have a life that feels like it's more balanced on and authentic.

You're not just surviving, you're actively building a life you value, right?

So, we've spoken a lot about boundaries. Now that we understand the importance of values, we've introduced the concept of how maybe boundaries that are informed by our values can help us to tackle the complexities of life.

Let's take a moment to actually just break down what the heck they are. Right? I really liked how Bnee Brown said it. She's a she's an author in the States and Bnee Brown says that daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.

This is so important, right? Because boundaries aren't easy. They're not easy at all to form. But by setting them, we're actually engaging in an act of courage because we're showcasing that, hey, everything else is important. Yes, but actually I am too. I am actually also important.

And that language is really powerful, even more so when it's informed by your values and the things that are important to you. So again, boundaries is action, not walls.

So setting a limit isn't about shutting people out. It's a committed action taken to protect the things, people, and practices that matter most to you. It's not that Aunt Paulie isn't important to Tommy Shelby. Of course, she is. He loves his aunt.

But it's that in this moment, he has too many things on his plate, and if he even were to engage, he likely wouldn't be able to be fully present in the first place, right? So he tries to think of ways to adapt his time with her so that way he's not feeling overwhelmed by saying yes. It's a need and not a preference. It's an important part, right? Like boundaries are not a casual preference. They're fundamental needs that are required to protect our baseline, our well-being, and our capacity.

And I know that word of boundaries comes off maybe not the best to a lot of folks, but rather than thinking about them again as a wall, they're actually creating and increasing our capacity for connection.

Because they're allowing us to be more present with ourselves. And the more we're present with ourselves, the more we can give towards others, right?

Conservation of resources, what we connected with earlier. The more I can build my capacity as a human being, the more I'm able to put that energy to the things that are important to me. So, boundaries that breathe. You can't satisfy every demand in the moment. A breathing boundary means you can firmly say no today while leaving space to reconnect later.

What the heck does that look like in practice? So, time boundaries. So, aligning your schedule with your values rather than reacting to others urgencies. So consciously choosing where to actually direct your presence, right? And again connecting this with examples with Tommy that might look like, hey, actually I'm not available these times. Can't do it, but I am available these times to reschedule for another time that you want to get together. Right? Emotional boundaries. Practice empathy.

So I think one of the things that is a struggle for people when it comes to boundaries in relationships is it feels like you're shutting the other person down. But if if you're able to practice empathy when you're engaging in that conversation, you can still make that person feel heard. Of course, that person might be disappointed that you won't be there. You can create space for that, right? And that's part of it. So allow others to have their feelings. Allow others to have their own struggles when you're when you say no.

But don't take the responsibility to fix that for them. Right? there is a little bit of acceptance and letting go that's required there.

But in the long term when you're able to create space for yourself, you are also allowing that person to have their own space. You're moving away from the feelings and situation being inshed and people having independent feelings about a situation and then hopefully getting to an understanding later.

Energy boundaries recognizing your physical limits and communicating them to your system, right?

Your team, your family clearly. So reducing systemic friction and resentment. So if you know that you have limited energy, you can try to showcase that in your schedule.

An analogy that or a metaphor that was provided to be by my supervisor this year was the tablespoon analogy when it comes to energy. If you could imagine that all of us, we know that we all have a limited capacity for energy, right? If we could imagine our energy as 10 tablespoons on any given day, we can then start reflecting on, well, how much energy do I actually have left by the end of the day to do the things I need to do?

Maybe just getting up and getting your food ready for the day is a tablespoon and a half or two tablespoons of energy. Going to work might be six, right? Coming home and doing your, you know, exercise or connecting with your partner or your family might be another one or two. How much energy do you have left to do other things? So recognize that your energy is limited and that the boundaries that you create need to reflect that.

Otherwise, you'll be operating at an energy deficit or a resource deficit. Right? I once again connecting back to that conservation of resources.

So again talking more practically about how these things look like. I'm recognizing our time here. So validate and state. So hold two truths, right? So yeah, I deeply value our relationship by saying by setting a boundary. You might think it'll feel like to the other person that you don't value their relationship, but you do. And you can say that I do deeply value our relationship, but I also just can't be there today.

Both things can be true regardless of what someone else tries to convince you. Right?

If you need to set a boundary because that's what you need in that moment with another person and you know they matter to you, it is definitely possible that two things can be true that you do value the relationship but you also can't do the thing that they wanted you to do and just sitting in that for a moment because I think our brain tries to convince us otherwise.

But no, if I don't do this thing then they're I'm not important to them or they're not important to me. But that's not true. The only person telling ourselves that is us. Two things can be true. Unhook from the justification.

So state the boundary clearly without overexplaining. That's another thing that we might get into. You don't have to prove to the other person that your limit is valid to enforce it. A lot of people are like, "Oh, well I, you know, I've got all these other things going. I've got this and I've got that." By doing that, you might actually be causing more interpersonal friction because then the other person might start feeling a burden or the other person might start thinking, "Oh, all of this thing, I didn't know all of that was going on. I'm sorry I even asked." Keep things simple, right? If you know you can't commit to something or you know that you need to create a boundary for something, you can just tell them, "this is my boundary. I won't be able to do this unfortunately." And that's that, right? Tolerate the rupture. Right? Again, this is the most probably one of the most difficult parts about creating interpersonal boundaries.

We're like we don't want to allow the other person to feel disappointed. But in order for us to function, in order for our resources to be intact, we need to recognize we can't control how somebody else feels. If somebody else is disappointed, empathize, validate, yeah, you know what? This is disappointing.

And just allow that to exist. Allow the other person to be disappointed. Allow yourself to be disappointed if you feel disappointed by it. But know that if your decision and boundary is in alignment with your values, it will almost always move towards a net positive. Disappointment is normal and in any relational experience. and it's not a crisis that you're required to fix, right?

So and then just be open to having consistent repair. This is where the work comes in, right? You can still set all these boundaries, do all these things, and then still continue to repair and build on your relationships. Maintain worth and warmth and connection after your boundary is set. Consistently build psychological safety for both parties over time. I know that we couldn't connect on Monday, but how about next week on Thursday, right? Just be open and willing to have that and recognize that yeah, it might not be ideal for the other person, but we need to protect ourselves and our capacity, time, energy in order to be able to be present for others in our life fully, right? just taking a moment to discern healthy boundaries from avoidance.

So, when we're stuck in experiential avoidance, our actions aren't actually protecting our well-being. they're about escaping immediate discomfort.

So unhealthy boundaries can also be seen as experiential avoidance. So instead of communicate you know we might emotionally withdraw from a person. We might be fused with thoughts like oh I have to please everyone.

So then our behavior ends up showcasing that.

But all of this would be driven by a fear of conflict rather than a place of self-respect, rather than a place of prioritizing ourselves. We aren't managing our limits where we would just be running away from hard feelings.

So building rigid walls to avoid relational anxiety, using silent treatment, fusing of thoughts, like all of these things create this sort of avoidance of the true thing that's happening at its core, which is you just might not be creating boundaries that you need at this time.

So how do we switch that up, right? Well, here the values come in. When values come in, all of a sudden the boundaries that we're creating, they feel like they're actually protecting us, right? They protect what matter most to us. We're fostering genuine resent-free connections because we're there's a there's acceptance that's happening there. We're making room for the discomfort of saying no and we're communicating needs with assertive vulnerability. So, this is sort of this discernment between the two things, right?

There is a clinician known as Nedra Glover Tawwab and Nedra Glover Tawwab often points out and even in her book healthy boundaries is that boundaries aren't walls designed to keep people out. They're actually the instructions you give people on how to successfully be in a relationship with you. It's a way to foster genuine resent-free connection. That's what it comes down to because anything else is two parties trying to work at something that isn't working right.

So interpersonal boundaries once again this so this is again with Glover Tawwab and a combination of some of Dr. Russ Harris and what he says. So explore and define your values find comfort in saying and hearing no without taking it personally. Respect others boundaries as you do your own. Assertive action. So, communicate needs and limit and limits and clear assertive statements. Practice vulnerability with trusted individuals if that helps. Right? I'm a huge believer in practicing, right? Like if you know that there's this boundary that you need to set with a really close friend of yours and you're really nervous about how to do it, practice it.

Ask your partner, ask your other friend, ask a colleague, ask somebody to practice and role play with you. And then yeah, and follow through. If a boundary is crossed, if someone breaks that boundary, they're like, and they impede upon it. Actually, no, I'm gonna show up to your house at this time anyways. It's like, no, that's not the time that we agreed on, right? And let them know that. And then relational help. So, we're moving from fusion. So, we're moving from the idea that our that our difficult thoughts and feelings of overwhelm and anxiety become fused with our actions.

We're moving towards valuebased action from fusion. So, we're assessing our capacity and we're renegotiating things like timelines. Validate other people's pain.

That empathy piece becomes important. And then overall prioritize long-term well-being. This is the last slide. What does all of this look like for Tommy?

This is what it might look like. Time management. So, unhooking from the always available urge by setting hard start and end times for deep work. So, when it comes to scheduling future meetings, Tommy might say, "I value our collaboration, Alfie, and I'm available for meetings between 4:00 and 5 on Mondays and Wednesdays to ensure that I can actually give you my full attention." So, notice how in the statement, he's not really giving wiggle room. He's saying, "This is what I have available, and this is why it's available is because it allows me to actually be fully attentive to you." Capacity shielding.

So, practicing that validate and state. When new requests arrive, prioritizing current quality over quantity. So, I know how important it was for you to be there for me for I know how important it was for you for me to be there for your birthday, Aunt Polly, but I would still love to spend time with you in honor of your birthday at a time I'm not out of time for business. Why don't you give me your availability and we can go on a dinner together?

So, you notice how in this you're validating, yeah, a Pauliey's probably going to be upset by you not being able to be there, but you're also stating an alternative that will that opens and showcases I still care. Relational energy. So, tolerating the rupture of saying no to non-essential social commitments to protect evening recovery time. Let's say that Tommy actually doesn't even want to go to game night. Let's say he just wants the evening with his partner or just even by himself.

I'd love to join game night with you guys, but I've realized I need some quiet time tonight to recharge from a long week. How about why don't we get can we get together after church this weekend for a coffee?

So again, he's doing validate and state, but he's also making it clear that he's being clear to himself that he has limited energy, right? And he's not being afraid to acknowledge that and put it out there.

And this brings us to a close. I hope that this was helpful. I know that when it comes to setting boundaries and values and all those things that it's not always very clear. But hopefully by reflecting on some of these ideas, we can get to a a position where we're one step closer to getting to where we want to be.

Oh, thank you so much, Ahad. that was so helpful. We're going to have a bit of time for questions and comments. Now, if anyone isn't able to stay, I just want to thank you for joining us and remind you that you can always join us for one of our talks. We will start up again in September.

And I hope you have a really good night.